Game of Thrones Season Finale Predictions Extravaganza!

The man who watches the show should write the post.

The man who watches the show should write the post.

It seems like it was just yesterday that I wrote about how much had changed in the season 7 premiere of Game of Thrones. And now, it’s already time for the finale! Time is flying faster than ravens in Westeros, and so Shannis and I are here with our Season 7 Finale predictions. A lot happened in these 7 short weeks, but there’s miles to go before this story ends next year in a blaze of dragonfire, and one hopes, glory. Thrones finales are typically full of death, death, more death, an exposition scene, possibly a battle, and did we mention all the death? We fully expect to have all of those on Sunday.

(FYI: I’m writing in blue, and Shannis is replying in purple.)

(We both have thoughts. So many thoughts. And feelings. And stuff.)

Predictions:

Things That Will Happen:

Littlefinger is going down. I can’t take one more minute of his stupid smug face and I need him to die. My hope is that Arya and Sansa hatch a plot together to end him and then Arya stabs him with his own dagger while wearing Catelyn’s face and yelling at him for betraying her children. It would satisfy my deep-seated need for revenge against this ALL BEING HIS FAULT, as well as give the impeccable Michele Fairley a final Thrones sendoff. It would also probably spell the end of any sort of grip that Arya has on her sanity, but what can you do. Likelihood: Death: 98%. Arya wearing Catelyn’s face: 2.5%

Littlefinger has to go down! I can’t take one more minute of his stupid smug face either. I predict Littlefinger will go down, and Arya does the honors. Since I love you, I will cross my fingers for Arya wearing Catelyn’s face when she does said honors.

Honestly, Littlefinger dying will bring America together even better than the eclipse. In fact, you might say his death would eclipse the… okay. I’ll stop. I’m so sorry.

You’re not sorry, and you shouldn’t be sorry. In this time of darkness and lunacy, what do we have left but our puns? Our puns and our memories of Tormund waxing poetic about giant babies?

Dammit I want giant Tormund and Brienne babies so badly. Like, there could be an epilogue where they show where all the living characters are after the whole thing is over and they could be living someplace lovely and green with a bunch of gorgeous giant babies running around with swords and Tormund is getting them all riled up and Brienne is making that face she makes when Podrick disappoints her with an obvious parry? 

What, you mean this one?

What, you mean this one?

These scenes just write themselves. HBO should put us on the payroll.

Someone is not leaving the big King’s Landing showdown alive. My money is on Cersei, but I’m willing to admit that’s mostly wishful thinking. The more likely candidate is Brienne. Because let’s be honest, Sansa sent her because Brienne is the one person who truly will never betray her, and honor is worth less than horse shit in Cersei Lannister’s throne room. Also, there’s this little movie franchise called Star Wars  (you may have heard of it) and I hear Gwendoline Christie has kind of a big role in it these days.

Likelihood: Cersei Death: 22% Brienne Death: 64% Someone Else: 12%

Tormund Sobs Upon Hearing Of Brienne Death: 12,000%. 

The World Weeps With Tormund: All the percents.

Look at his beautiful face! Don't make him sad HBO. It's not nice.

Look at his beautiful face! Don’t make him sad HBO. It’s not nice.

The Night King and his new friend will definitely cross The Wall. I mean, he can fly now, so let’s be serious. An undead Viserion is coming over the top of that wall onto someone’s head. Probably some poor peasants or unsuspecting Night’s Watch folk, but seriously. Viserion undoubtedly has new skills to show off, and what better way to do it than finally defeating The Wall? Likelihood: 100%

I think The Wall is coming down. I think Viserion the Wight Dragon is going to breathe whatever horrific zombie fire he has now right onto the Wall, and stuff is going to MELT and CRUMBLE. And then the Army of the Undead will come in with more of those fancy chains and start pulling it to pieces.

The Night's King can't wait to show the southroners his big chains. They don't have chains this big.

The Night’s King can’t wait to show the southroners his big chains. They don’t have chains this big.

I just feel like the chains would be wasted if they don’t put in a further appearance. Since they were such a big character this past week and all.

Well, now I need that to happen. And really, why would the Night King be subtle about this entrance? The fall of The Wall has been foreshadowed since about Chapter 3 of Book One, so….

For real. I feel like almost since I first learned of the existence of The Wall, I also knew that someday The Wall would be coming down.

Daenerys will apologize to Tyrion for being an ass and an idiot. Tyrion will accept, with gratitude and snark. And then tell her that seriously, she needs to name an heir. Likelihood: 95%

Like, of all the things, this is the one that feels least likely to me: Daenerys apologizing. Ever. For anything. She might name an heir though. But whom will it be, Carolyn???  

I should have said apolgize-ish. More like an apology adjacent sort of thing. With significant looks and meaningful nods. Honestly, the sucker for a sappy happy story in me wants her to name Tyrion. So, I guess it will be anyone but Tyrion then.

I can’t even think of a likely candidate, just a vague “It won’t be Tyrion”. 

Oooh. I wonder if she got pissy during that convo because she thinks Tyrion wants it to be him. Poor Tyrion. 

Game of Thrones alternate title: Alas, Poor Tyrion.

The man who deserves to be King.

The man who deserves to be King.

Jorah will gaze moodily as the good ship Jonerys sails off into the Blackwater Rush. Not that I want that ship going anywhere, but alas, no one is listening to me. The creators and fans will have their song of ice and fire. And by song, I mean romance. And by romance, I mean tragically cut short winter fling, because there is an army of frozen undead coming and Jon and Dany have Hero Things(tm) to do. Likelihood: 4000%

Also I think Jonerys might have sexy times on that ship. Metaphorical ship or otherwise. God, it seems like forever since anyone had sex on this show. THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SAY, EVER.  

Oh sex is happening. These people are too pretty and much of the fandom has waited way too long. Sex is on. I’m hoping for positive, affirming sex with bonus slo-mo shots of Kit’s hair wafting. Did that get weird? I feel like that got weird.

The day needs his saving expertise.

The day needs his saving expertise.

OMG can we PLEASE get his hair out of that wretched pulled back thing it’s been doing all season and get Daenerys’ locks unbraided??? I don’t pay HBO good money to see Jon Snow’s hair go to waste like this, and I bet what’s making Daenerys so cranky is how tight those damn braids are pulled.  

Sam will arrive at Winterfell and Bran will finally spit out a series of sentences that make sense and are moderately less creepy. Sam will realize what Gilly uncovered in the Big Book of Important Information(tm) and then, well then he’ll probably do that thing where Sam gets really giddy and excited and John Bradley lets out that perfectly adorable grin he saves for when Sam has done something terribly clever and he’ll go running off to tell Jon he’s about to bone his aunt. He will not be in time. Likelihood: 80%

He will not be in time at all. Sigh.

Luckily, since Jon and Daenerys are likely not long for this world, they won’t have to live with the (slight) shame for terribly long.  Just one short season worth of episodes!

Also, they will be focused on the Night King and trying to save the world and making bad plans and then also worse plans, and then brooding. No one has time to feel guilty during all that! 

Let’s talk about the scene in the trailer where Grey Worm and the Unsullied are standing in formation outside King’s Landing (I’m assuming) and there’s an army coming at them. Maybe THAT’S Cersei’s betrayal: sending an army to attack them while they’re all supposed to be at a cease-fire during the meeting. MAYBE GREY WORM DIES.

OMG I hate that thought. Poor Missandei.

If Grey Worm dies, we riot. It is known.

He is basically the Daryl Dixon of this show. When Tyrion isn’t the Daryl Dixon of this show. (That’s a Walking Dead reference for those who don’t know.) 

That’s the other show with the zombies, right?

Also: Is Cersei really having a baby? Will the baby be a demon? I assume it will be a demon. But like a real demon, not a Melisandre-style shadow demon of murderiness.

She is either not pregnant or pregnant with a horrible demon. Nothing in between. I hope not pregnant and Jaime busts her for her cruel lies and ends this damn thing already. Because I am over Cersei and her Pixie Cut of Evil.

I’m convinced that Lena Headey is legit the best actress ever. Because remember what a goddamn delight she was at Denver Comic Con last year, and you and I fangirled and did the squeeing and had no chill and sometimes I still giggle in secret over some of the stuff she said, like “I love to be baaaad,” and she is so delightfully British and told us how she grabbed Cary Elwes’ ass and…

No. We are not remotely chill.

Evidence of our lack of chill.

I’m fine. It’s fine. Carry on. 

Good times. Remember how she had on really practical shoes just like you did and how validating that was? She’s awesome.

Things That Won’t Happen That Should:

Jon and Arya will be in the same room. Or hemisphere even. At this point, I’m grateful that they are more or less on the same continent.

I do want Jon and Arya to meet again. But I’m kind of afraid of how it will go. What if he likes Sansa better now???

Jon is the one person who will immediately treat Arya as if she is still, you know, Arya. His scamp of a little sister with dirt on her dress. That could make all the difference for her, you know? I just want someone to see her underneath her super cool stabbing skills and bag of faces and know that somewhere inside there is still the young girl who taught her direwolf to fetch and wanted a sword and ran over and hugged him SO HARD when we gave her Needle because she was really going to miss him and he totally understood her.

*sounds of ugly crying*

*sounds of ugly crying*

BIG BREATH. Look, I have a lot of feelings about Arya.

The Stark sisters will speak to each other directly and clearly about their emotional trauma and stop talking in circles around each other. Preferably over cake.

Will any Stark ever speak directly to any other Stark about anything that makes them uncomfortable? They’re like Connecticut WASPs, the Starks.

As a native-born Connecticut WASP I do not wish to discuss this any further Shannis. Did you see the sunflowers today? They’re lovely this time of year.

See, isn't this nicer than talking about your profound trauma?

See, isn’t this nicer than talking about your profound trauma?

As a native-born Canadian WASP, I love me some sunflowers. And! I will add to this list: Jon Snow will come up with a good strategy for something. Anything.

Well, there was that one time he figured out how to get more dragonglass…

Dragonass? 

DRAGONGLASS!

I will master spelling Daenerys correctly on the first try after 19 years.

No offense, because you know I adore you, but I don’t think you’re ever going to spell Daenerys correctly on the first try. It’s like my mental block against being able to correctly spell Professor McGonagall correctly on the first try (that just took me two attempts and a Google search, in the spirit of full disclosure). But you know — at least you can spell JAIME.

I can also spell Tyrion, Arya and Jon! 

Also you said cake, so now I want cake.

I just searched our entire media catalogue and we have no images of cake. We are failures.

That seems suspect. But I guess mostly I post photos of bread. And Daryl Dixon. 

Things That Won’t Happen That I Wish Everyone Would Stop Going On About:

Arya dying.

Tyrion dying.

Sansa dying.

Jon dying.

More dragons appearing out of nowhere randomly and without warning.

OMG YES to all of these things. What would be the point of any of those characters if they die now? Unless some kind of huge plot twist happens in the season finale, I don’t think we’ve been led down a path this season to any of these characters dying THIS SEASON. Some of them might die in the final season. Hell, all of them might die in the final season. But they are not dying in this finale. And I don’t think we’ve yet reached the reason for Jon Snow coming back to life after being ruthlessly murdered by a band of betrayers. (I still have feelings. A lot of feelings.) 

Girl, we both have those feelings. I can’t even. Those bastards. I hope they’re burning in all Seven Hells.

And look. I like a dragon just as much as the next super nerdy 40-something woman with a boring career and a kid to feed. But as crazy as the world of Game of Thrones is, I just don’t think there are random dormant dragons hiding beneath every large edifice in the realm. That doesn’t seem to be how dragons work in Westeros and beyond. There were eggs and fire and nakedness and things hatched and… it seems pretty simple. Right?  

Buried Dragons and Secret Targaryens are my least favorite tinfoil hat ASoIaF fan theories. Not everything is A Thing people. Just no. For the record, my favorite fan theory is the Grand Unified Tyrell Conspiracy, because it was pithy, well researched and it ended up be startlingly accurate. Those were the days — what we lacked in memes, we made up for in withering takedowns of trolls and malcontents.

My all-time favorite fan theory is the Ron is Dumbledore Time Travel theory. See how I can still turn any conversation ever into one about Harry Potter? 

ANYWAY. 

What do you think will happen on Sunday, readers? Tell us what we missed in the comments, and be sure to join us on Twitter during the show for the best snark in the realm. And bring some cake, we’re hungry!

 

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