I have to dive right in because I’m so excited about at least one thing that happened on tonight’s episode! So…
Opening shot of Ezekiel and some of his peeps waiting for some Saviors to show up and take their stuff. It’s a truck load of watermelon and fuel. The watermelon is in IKEA baskets.
Greasy haired Savior demands Richard’s gun. A fistfight ensues. Ezekiel makes Richard give up the gun because Ezekiel still thinks he can keep the peace with these dipshits. Gavin the Savior makes threats to Ezekiel. Greasy haired Savior takes Morgan’s ninja stick. Morgan is pissed.
Back at the Kingdom, Ezekiel lectures Ben for being quick to fight. This is some nonsense. Like, a year or two into the zombie apocalypse, everyone needs to get on board with fighting to survive. I’m bored with these people who think diplomacy is the way to go.
Anyway. Daryl shows up and wants to know where they went. He is unimpressed that Morgan is bleeding. They have a stare down. Daryl is all, Carol wouldn’t put up with this. Morgan is all, Carol left because she doesn’t want to kill anyone else. He won’t tell Daryl where to find her.
Next Daryl goes to make friends with Richard. He is practicing archery. He lets Daryl have a turn. It’s nice to see Daryl with a crossbow in his hands again.
By the way: Can I just tell you how stupid it is to have a Richard on a show where a dude named Rick is the main character? It’s very stupid.
Ads. Beats by Dre with Nicki Minaj. Humans. Show looks bad — I watched three minutes of it the other night and it was just… not good. iPad. Naked chicken chalupa from Taco Bell. Just kill me now. Ads are so awful. What am I even doing with my life????
Snickers Crisper looks delightful though.
Richard shows Daryl his secret stash. They go out walking. On the highway. Because in the zombie apocalypse, you can do that without getting… oh wait. Haha. Anyway! They’re going to wait for Saviors to drive by and shoot them. Richard tells Daryl about Carol but doesn’t know Daryl knows her. He’s left a trail to her cabin with the weapons cache, with Carol as bait. Like, they’ll follow the trail to her cabin, and they’ll kill her, and since Ezekiel “cares for her”, Ezekiel will be angered enough to join Rick and the All Stars in their fight against the Saviors. Daryl knows it’s Carol. Also this plan is terrible and Daryl knows it. He takes Richard down. They engage in fisticuffs and then have a standoff and then Richard convinces Daryl to stand down and stick with the plan. Which still sucks, just saying. And then Daryl warns Richard that if anything happens to Carol, he’ll kill him. And then he leaves. Presumably to find Carol.
This is so convoluted. Richard is a terrible strategist and he looks like the Governor and has the same name as Rick. Seriously how the hell is anyone supposed to keep up with this nonsense?
Ads ads ads.
There is an ad for Los Pollos Hermanos and I legit just spit my drink out.
Back to the show. The Children of the Corn are back, leading Rick and the All Stars into a junkyard. There is some sort of effed up circle ritual happening. Just like in Children of the Corn! A lady with a really unfortunate haircut steps up to demand info.
For real, check this out:
It’s legit worse than the trash heap she calls her kingdom.
Rick is all, show me Gabriel first. On our couch, we are all, no one cares about Gabriel.
Rick schools Bad Hair Day about the Saviors and tries to get her to team up. She says no.
Fight! Gabriel even holds a knife to some ugly chick’s neck! Then he gives them some preacher talk and takes a turn at trying to convince them.
It’s a terrible idea to team up with these people. I just want to throw that out there. Even if they change their minds and say okay, it’s a really terrible idea.
The leader takes Rick up a hill of trash to look over her shitty area.
She yammers about stuff being difficult or some nonsense. This entire show is nonsense sometimes. God.
Then she pushes him down the side of the trash heap. So that’s cool.
Ads. Call of Duty. Are all of these calls of duty different or what is the deal?
Back in Trashland, Rick is stuck in a pit with an extra creepy zombie with pointy armor.
Pointy Trash Zombie is ready for a snack. Rick doesn’t know what to do, given that he has no weapons and only a giant pile of trash at his disposal. Michonne has to coach Rick from the other side of a pipe through which she is watching. She’s all, “Use the heap!” It’s like Obi Wan Kenobi up in here. Rick does some stuff with the trash, gets a sharp object. He kills the creature and Bad Hair Day throws down a rope. He climbs back up and she says they want guns. Rick grins. He is a sick, sick man. He is also injured, on his hand and his leg.
So they strike a deal. They will get a third of whatever guns Rick and the All Stars can find. She wants more but Rick says no. Her teeth are oddly good for someone with hair that bad. She claims her name is Jadis. I don’t buy it, mostly because people don’t really name their children things like… oh wait. Never mind.
She takes her Corn children with her and Rick and the All stars are free to leave. Pook really, REALLY wants Rick to get a bandage first. Evil Rob is all, “It’s a terrible idea to get a bandage from these people. It’ll be covered in bacteria.” It’s a tough call for me. But he has a bandage by the time they leave.
Ads. Are we someday going to stop allowing Matthew McConaughey to sell cars for Lincoln?
Already 7:45! This episode is going quickly.
There is never enough Carol in this show.
And Ezekiel and his men and one lady are outside, doing something and claiming that they tried to be quiet and not bother her. Carol isn’t buying your nonsense, you guys.
Jerry the Fat Samurai brought her a cobbler. He grins when she accepts. Everyone in my house falls instantly, irrevocably in love. This means he will probably die two episodes from now.
Later Carol’s trying to read another book and someone else knocks on her damn door. WHO CAN IT BE.
The internet doesn’t disappoint when it comes to Daryl and Carol fan art, you guys.
I could do this all night. But I won’t. Just one more…
Anyway, obviously it’s Daryl at the door and they stare at each other for a good minute before they embrace. Me and Pook are crying. Just a little. But still. Totally crying.
Scene change! Rick and Gabriel are talking while they make everyone else pack the car. Guess who is still boring and annoying? Spoiler: It’s Gabriel.
And then Rosita and Tara are bickering again. This is bullshit. At some point, this stuff wouldn’t matter to people anymore. Bickering and hating each other because they once hooked up with the same man. This is what men think all women do all day long though, isn’t it? This has always been the issue with this show: the male creators have no idea how to write women. And of all the women in the world, Rosita and Tara would be least likely to behave like this. So this is a stupid waste of time throwaway scene.
Rick grabs a terrible trash sculpture for Michonne before they head out.
Ads. Kong: Skull Island. Meh. How many times are we going to remake this damn movie?
Back at the cabin: Daryl and Carol are in her living room in front of a romantic fire.
She tells him why she left the group — she doesn’t want to keep killing people because it’s killing her inside. Then she asks him if the Saviors came and if they hurt anyone. Daryl lies without hesitation and tells her everyone is all right. She gives him stew. He leaves after dark but first they hug again.
Do you think someday they’ll actually hook up? Maybe on the very last episode, the whole world is burning and they are the last ones left and they know they are not long for the world, and so they’re like, “Let’s just do this already,” and they get busy and that’s the last we ever see of them.
(Hey Walking Dead producers? I can write for you! Call me!)
Tiger! Daryl is bonding with her. Morgan comes in and compliments Daryl’s rapport with the tiger. Daryl is like, we need the Kingdom. You gotta make that happen. Morgan is all, I can’t. Daryl is annoyed. Morgan tells him they are alike and that he knows that Daryl didn’t tell Carol about Abe and Glenn or she would have come back with him, ready to fight. Daryl’s like, whatevs, get us the Kingdom, MORGAN.
Daryl leaves for Hilltop in the morning.
Scenes from next week show Negan and Dwight picking on Eugene. Great. Like, Eugene is a wuss anyway. It’s not going to be any fun to watch Negan and Dwight pick on him.
You guys. Pollyanna McIntosh (Jadis) is on the Talking Dead and her hair is not a whole lot better in real life. She is lovely though.
And now for some gratuitous Norman Reedus. Because hell, why not?
Did you know that back in the 1990s, Norman Reedus was a model? He did a whole campaign for Prada. And I actually have vivid recall of this campaign because back in MY 1990s, I was writing a terrible book about a rock star and superstar pop singer, and I read a boatload of fashion magazines for inspiration, and the Norman Reedus Prada ads were included in my vision notebook (that’s what we used to have in olden times, before they invented Pinterest).
Sweet dreams, and see you next week for an episode that has to suck more than this one because Negan will be back and we all know how much Negan loves the sound of his own voice!!