Oh god. Here we are again. It’s like no time has passed at all but apparently it’s been two whole months or something? I don’t even know. I’m missing the trainwreck known as the Grammys for this so I hope everyone appreciates my sacrifice.
As ever, SPOILERS FOLLOW.
All right. Midseason premiere. Let’s do this. Which… “midseason premier”. Everything on television is such an event now. I’m so over it. Can’t we just watch our STORIES without it being a THING?
Boring Father Gabriel is reading a book in the dark while he’s supposed to be on watch duty. Typical. I guess he assumes God’s got it under control.
Now he’s wandering into a house in the dark and knocks a bunch of shit down, causing a huge ruckus. Nice.
He’s loading stuff from the pantry into a plastic bin.
Ah. Stealing a car, preacher man?
Yep. He’s bailing.
Hilltop, and The Ricking Crew are meeting with the dude in charge in his office. This Hilltop dickbag is starting to sound a lot like Negan. Jesus is like, “You’re a dick, dude.” And the dickbag is like, “We’re not fighting.”
You guys, I’m not gonna lie. My husband made Elvis sandwiches for dinner and there was a situation with my bread and I had to take care of it during this very overlong scene with Gregory saying “no, Hilltop isn’t gonna fight” and The Ricking Crew arguing and Carl Poppa saying he’s going to train the people. None of us missed anything and then Enid rallied some more Hilltop people to the cause and Daryl was like, “We don’t need numbers because we can just blow shit up” and I knew I loved Daryl for a reason.
Also this sandwich kicks ass.
Ads for Arrival and some kind of over the top Verizon plan that thinks highly enough of itself to use music from 2001: A Space Odyssey. Come on, Verizon. Get a grip. I’ve seen 2001: A Space Odyssey and you are NO 2001: A Space Odyssey. I mean, look at this. It’s just an opening credits shot and it’s amazing.
Once, in first grade, or maybe it was second, I don’t know because I am old now, we did a music and dance program at school for the parents and one of the dances was to the opening music from that movie, and it was real weird. Like, the kids pretended to be space rocks but then they came to life and danced around like rock-shaped aliens? It was the 1970s. I don’t know. Anyway now I’m in this place:
Creepy. My baby daddy’s name is HAL. I bet that’s NO COINCIDENCE.
But I digress.
Road trip! To The Kingdom!
Jesus needs a haircut.
The guards are like, who are all these people? Jesus is like, friends of mine. The guards are like, line up. Daryl isn’t having it. He will likely never get in a line ever again. Rick tries to be reasonable. It grates on him. But the guards take The Ricking Crew through the gates.
Inside the Kingdom, hippie music is playing.
The guards lead The Ricking Crew through the streets and they see the young people training and the other people doing their… gardening. And suddenly here is Morgan and everyone hugs! Or almost everyone. Not Rick! And then he fills them in on Carol and Daryl is listening with extra ears. Morgan says she’s gone and Daryl looks super sad. And then Morgan says he got them an audience with the king.
King Ezekiel! And the tiger!
King Ezekiel is going to be at Denver Comic Con this year and I am super stoked. I hope he brings that tiger.
Conversation ensues. I can’t believe Rick just calls him King right off the bat. And that no one else is behind him snickering. Even Daryl is like, “Sure. King. Whatever.”
This is ridiculous. I can’t believe they’re having this conversation like it’s the Renaissance festival. Just talk like normal people.
Ezekiel asks for Morgan’s opinion. Whatever. Morgan’s all, maybe we can just capture Negan. Nope. I’m waiting for Daryl to speak up but he doesn’t. I guess Daryl really is a man of few words.
Then Rick tells Ezekiel a story about a rock in the road. And some bag of gold. And how the king left it there on purpose because… stuff. And thangs. I don’t know. This seems like b.s. When do we fight??
Rick is at least amused by King Ezekiel.
As are we all.
Seriously if we don’t see Carol in this episode though I’ll be kinda pissed that I skipped the horror show that is the Grammys. Katy Perry has BLONDE HAIR, you guys.
And Jason Derulo is dressed up like Hip Hop Count Dracula.
I’m just trying not to make him angry lest he summon whatever that collar is to life.
Oh also here is this weird Humpty Dumpty ad from the Super Bowl.
Ezekiel’s boy wonder Benjamin is in the woods training and almost gets killed by Carol. She is deeply unimpressed by his earnestness and offer of water. He fails to tell her that The Ricking Crew is in town. He must not know how much we all ship Carol and Daryl.
My glasses suck so I can’t quite tell but I think Ezekiel is tucking someone into bed with the I Have A Dream speech.
Benjamin comes in and tells him he saw Carol. Ezekiel tries to be casual in asking how she is but you can tell he ships it. He ships himself and Carol hard. And just know that I’m all in for a Ezekiel-Carol-Daryl Hunger Games style love triangle.
Anyway Benjamin is like, we have to help them, and King Zeke is like, “Thanks for your wise council, young one.” Or something.
All this King shit is annoying and weird though.
Morning and it’s archery practice for the children. This IS the Renaissance festival. Daryl looks pained watching their terrible technique.
Ezekiel’s like, we’re not fighting with you. Rick’s like, “Please?” Ezekiel’s like, “Nah.” Rick’s like, “Come on, dude.” Zeke’s all, “Nah.”
Ezekiel offers Daryl sanctuary inside The Kingdom since the Negan squad are after him, but refuses to let his people join in their fight. They start walking away. Richard the guard wants to fight. And Rick wants Daryl to stay. Daryl’s like “I ain’t” and Rick is all, “Stay behind and stare him into submission. Whatever it takes.” And Daryl knows he is defeated and has to stay. And then the gates slam closed as The Ricking Crew leaves.
At least Daryl will see Carol soon. Hopefully by the end of this episode!
Ads. Call of Duty. Wendy’s. Some gross energy drink. Brad Paisley wrecking Nationwide. Barf.
God. Next week we’re starting this shit late so I don’t have to watch ads.
This movie with Scarlett Johansson looks so boring. Ghost in the Shell. Snore.
Back to the show. Out on the highway.
Hahahahahahaha Negan is memorializing Fat Joey over the PA system.
Cars block the highway. Rick decides they’ll move them, then move them back, so the Saviors don’t know they were there. I don’t think that’s gonna work but okay, whatever.
And then they discover a whole explosive tripwire system. Rick and Michonne want the explosives for their coming battles. If only they had Eugene to help! Rosita is like, allow me. Now they’re all messing about with dynamite. This seems like it will end badly.
So the whole tripwire/explosives system? It’s a trap for a giant herd of walkers, who start coming around the curve in the highway as they’re removing the explosives. The Ricking Crew are piling dynamite and other explosives into their vehicle. But only the ones that seem like they’re in good condition. Um… okay. And the walkers are getting closer and closer.
This is all very exciting but I fail to see the point. They send Jesus and Sasha to run back to Hilltop and tell Maggie they haven’t given up. Which… whatever.
Then Rick and Michonne drive two cars with a wife stretched between them and now down hundreds of walkers, then make a run for it back to the group’s car. EPIC CLOTHESLINE!
Hopefully by tomorrow there will be a gif and I can insert it here.
They drive away and one of the piles of dynamite goes off, blowing up a bunch of walkers.
Oh, Passage. How I have not missed you. Does anyone care about this? They are choking in dust from the bomb going off underground. And given that they’ve been stuck down there for two months with no one missing them, I shouldn’t wonder.
Back to Alexandria. The gates open and a bunch of Negan’s trucks drive in. They’re there to find Daryl. And kill him. And trash everyone’s houses.
It’s super boring when the guy who really wants to be Negan tries to talk like Negan. Luckily they leave, so I don’t have to throat punch anyone.
The two Alexandria guys fill The Ricking Crew in on Gabriel’s disappearance. Rick doesn’t want to believe Gabriel would just steal stuff and run. Rosita’s like, of course he would. I am with Rosita, really.
But then it seems Gabriel laid some sort of trail. The Ricking Crew are like, “LET’S GO!”
The gay dudes are bickering in their perfectly clean house. The one is like, “I’M GOING WITH! RICK NEEDS ME!” And the other one is like, “STAY HERE. Don’t be stupid.” I’m with him. Also, why is it that the gay couple’s house is the only spotless one after the Negan dudes are done trashing everything??
The Ricking Crew have gone to look for Gabriel. They find footprints. Now, you know and I know that the footprints do not belong to Gabriel. Because we’ve been seeing that person in the black boots spying on The Ricking Crew the last few episodes! But the crew doesn’t know this.
And so of course they wind up surrounded by what looks to be the Children of the Corn, all grown up. CREEPY.
And Rick smirks and that’s the end.
Seriously, all of these people look super inbred. And I’m here to tell you, if the only people who survive the zombie apocalypse for longer than three years are super inbred backwoods weirdos, count me out. Just let Daryl put me out of my misery early on. With his crossbow.
See all y’all next week!
This show makes me talk like I’m from Georgia. But only inside my head.