Herewith: This week’s recap of The Walking Dead!
Oh but wait.
This walker still has some nonsense she wants to say.
Whatever, whiner. People come here FOR spoilers.
On with it!
Oh great. Another 90 minute episode. What have we all done to deserve this?
(Somewhere is a parallel universe where people still adore this show and feel like extendo-episodes are a treat.)
We open on Michonne, walking down the highway. I think it’s raining, so that’s a first — maybe someday it will actually be winter on this show, too. She is whistling and annoying me. A couple of walkers follow her and eventually she dispatches them with a sword. Drags one into the forest. Leaves her bag behind with the walkie talkie that connects her with Rick.
Cut to Rick and Aaron waking up in the back of a truck. They look outside and see… something.
And then we have some rando Saviors, also in a truck. It’s the truck Jesus and Carl are hiding in. Jesus is, like, pouring syrup into the road? To leave a trail? And then he tells Carl it’s time to jump out. And Carl goes “Show me,” and Jesus jumps out without him and Carl keeps going. Sweet trick, Carl. Even Jesus knows it was clever!
Once at Negan’s compound, Carl ambushes the guys unloading the truck with a gun and kills two of them. And then Negan comes up and says Carl scares the shit out of him. And then says he will show him around. And then the opening music goes and cuts to a shot of the yard, and Daryl doing something with the yard zombies, and up to a view of the building they’re staying in. It looks to be some sort of old power plant, maybe. It has smokestacks. I don’t know. I’m trying to pretend I care. It’s hard.
Ads. I don’t understand the Amazon Echo.
Negan takes Carl inside after bitching about not getting to have sex with any of his wives that day and also telling Carl to not be afraid of him because he finds it a disappointment. All the people are assembled and Negan gives them a little speech. Dude literally never stops talking.
Rosita and Eugene are doing something and Spencer shows up. Spencer is annoying.
Negan takes Carl to a room where a bunch of women are sitting around looking bored or traumatized. It’s a thin line in the apocalypse. Negan tells Carl to make himself comfortable and goes to talk to his wife about some nonsense that no one really cares about because we don’t even know who the hell these people are. Ooky music plays and we are supposed to feel creeped out. Then Negan talks to some girl named Amber who cheated on him with some dude named Mark. So many names of people we don’t care about, so little time.
Oh wait. No. We have 90 minutes of this shit! Plenty of time.
Carl is eavesdropping. Creepily.
Negan makes out with the other wife. Daryl and Wannabe Daryl show up. You know — the ginger fellow who used to be married to that wife. DWIGHT. I can never remember his name. Because I don’t care about him. Daryl asks how Negan got Carl there. Negan tells him it’s none of his business. The men leave and the wife lady drinks.
I mean, I feel her. Drinking could only improve upon this.
Back in Grimville, Rick and Aaron are still looking for stuff. They climb over a fence and head up a road with a handwritten sign telling people not to go there. They are rebels.
And then Spencer and the annoying preacher guy are in car talking about whether or not Rick is hateable or inspirational. Like most things in the apocalypse, it’s a thin line. Spencer talks about how his mom served in Congress and lifted people up and did good in the world. My husband makes an obscene gesture. The preacher thinks Spencer is a “tremendous shit”. This is literally the first time the preacher has ever been interesting. He gets out of the car to walk home. It’s just like Cher in Clueless when Elton tries to molest her!
Then Spencer runs into the woods. I just don’t even care enough to warn him not to.
Back to Negan. He takes Carl to his bedroom. Gross. “I want to get to know you a little better, Carl.”
He tells Carl to take the dressing off his eye so he can see it. As punishment for killing two of his men. So Carl does it. It’s horrifying.
And then Negan wants to touch it because Negan has issues. But Carl is crying and Negan sort of apologizes, although it’s a gross creepy nonapology about how he forgot Carl is just a kid.
Then Fat Joseph shows up with Lucille, which Negan left by the truck. And Negan tells Carl he shouldn’t cover up his bad eye. And he gives Fat Joseph the business and talks about Lucille like she’s a real woman.
Fat Joseph is sort of adorable, by the way. I feel like he’ll be dead by the time the midseason finale ends next week.
After Fat Joseph leaves, Negan tells Carl to sing him a song. Insists, really, even after Carl says he doesn’t know any songs.
Carl sings a super terrible rendition of You Are My Sunshine while Negan swings Lucille around.
Then he asks Carl to tell him what happened to his mom. And goes, “Damn, no wonder you’re a little serial killer in the making.”
I mean, it takes one to know one, I guess.
This is bizarrely boring.
Finally Negan says the iron should be ready and they go downstairs. And he has Carl hold Lucille and Carl doesn’t even flinch And some Captain America looking dude is sweating and tied to a chair. I bet this is Mark!
Carl really should just walk around with that eye showing. It makes him more interesting.
Negan makes Dwight assist with the iron. And then he holds it to Mark’s face till Mark passes out. Everyone has to watch so they know it can happen to them too. Carl’s like, I’ve seen worse.
Mark, by the way, has pissed himself, and Negan makes Daryl mop it up. Because Daryl’s the janitor now.
Ads. Jennifer Garner for Capital One is super irritating. Possibly even more irritating than this show. Hmmm.
Back to Spencer toying with zombies in the woods. Basically he was trying to get their weapons. And a note in one’s pocket. I can’t read it but I bet someone on the internet knows what it said.
God, the internet is so predictable.
Back to Rosita and Eugene and the quest for a bullet. Eugene is talking nonsense. Rosita calls him a coward and weak. She is not charming him into this. “For once, do something useful. And make me a bullet.” Eugene gets to work.
See. Some men respond to bitchiness.
Ugh back to Dwight and his ex-wife and their cigarettes. Please stop trying to make us care about these people. Good god. Dwight is getting all judgy. Even that is super boring.
Back in Negan’s room, Negan is doing some accounting and Carl asks if he can wrap his face up again. Negan says no. Carl asks why he hasn’t killed any of them yet. Negan says Daryl will make him a good soldier. And Rick is already getting him great stuff. And he likes Carl. So. Okay then.
Negan and Carl are leaving in a truck. Daryl tries to threaten him if he does anything to Carl. Negan has Dwight put Daryl back in his cage.
Jesus is on top of the truck one second but not when they drive away. Hmmm…
This must all sound weird out of context.
Ads. And this week’s installment of Passage! Creepy dude has a tunnel? Lets the one woman in but not the one called Sierra. So Sierra stabs him. Seems legit.
Back to Daryl in his cell.
Someone is coming! Daryl looks apprehensive. Someone slips a note beneath the door. With a key. And it says “GO NOW!” What??
Oh. Evil Rob says it is Jesus. Because Jesus was on the truck and then not on the truck.
But will Daryl do it??? Or will he assume it is a TRICK?
Anyway. Back outside somewhere in the Hundred Acre Wood, Michonne corners some red-headed lady and tells her to take her to Negan. Evil Rob criticizes the lady’s terrible hair dye. My plan is working. Which plan is that, you ask? The one where I pay a lot of money to get my hair dyed properly and now my husband can spot the difference!
Anyway. Carl and Negan arrive at Carl’s house. Negan points out that Olivia is fat. Olivia cries.
This show is stupid.
Then he offers to screw her. She says no. Or slaps him. Whichever. He says he is 50% more into her now.
This show is so stupid.
He sends Olivia away to make lemonade. Carl shows him their house.
And Judith is in her crib in her room, and she is like twelve now.
Ads. I keep forgetting this is recorded. CURSES!
An ad for the season finale marathon shows us a bunch of people we miss, like Beth. Sad face.
Back to Rick and Aaron. They’ve found the compound of some loner dude who may or may not be dead. Zombies in a pond protecting some stuff. This can’t end well.
Eugene and Rosita are still bickering.
Spencer creeps up in his creepermobile. He has soup. Something something list and Latin and Spencer’s mom and zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
Front porch at Carl’s house. Negan is snuggling with Judith. Seriously Judith is like 10 now. He kisses her on the forehead and tells Carl maybe he’ll just kill him and Rick and move into the suburbs.
I’m not nearly as creeped out by Negan and Judith as I should be.
I mean, it’s obviously no ovary-exploder. Not like this…
But it’s not as creepy as it should feel. And for that, I blame Rick’s terrible parenting skills.
And that’s the end of the episode.
Next week is the midseason finale. Presumably it will be more interesting than this was. We can dream!
This week’s installment of People Who Are Hotter In Real Life Than Their Walking Dead Characters: Ann Mahoney.
And here is a treat for some of you who are super religious. Or just into Jesus. Whichever.