Game of Thrones Season Finale Predictions Extravaganza!

The man who watches the show should write the post.

The man who watches the show should write the post.

It seems like it was just yesterday that I wrote about how much had changed in the season 7 premiere of Game of Thrones. And now, it’s already time for the finale! Time is flying faster than ravens in Westeros, and so Shannis and I are here with our Season 7 Finale predictions. A lot happened in these 7 short weeks, but there’s miles to go before this story ends next year in a blaze of dragonfire, and one hopes, glory. Thrones finales are typically full of death, death, more death, an exposition scene, possibly a battle, and did we mention all the death? We fully expect to have all of those on Sunday.

(FYI: I’m writing in blue, and Shannis is replying in purple.)

(We both have thoughts. So many thoughts. And feelings. And stuff.)

Predictions:

Things That Will Happen:

Littlefinger is going down. I can’t take one more minute of his stupid smug face and I need him to die. My hope is that Arya and Sansa hatch a plot together to end him and then Arya stabs him with his own dagger while wearing Catelyn’s face and yelling at him for betraying her children. It would satisfy my deep-seated need for revenge against this ALL BEING HIS FAULT, as well as give the impeccable Michele Fairley a final Thrones sendoff. It would also probably spell the end of any sort of grip that Arya has on her sanity, but what can you do. Likelihood: Death: 98%. Arya wearing Catelyn’s face: 2.5%

Littlefinger has to go down! I can’t take one more minute of his stupid smug face either. I predict Littlefinger will go down, and Arya does the honors. Since I love you, I will cross my fingers for Arya wearing Catelyn’s face when she does said honors.

Honestly, Littlefinger dying will bring America together even better than the eclipse. In fact, you might say his death would eclipse the… okay. I’ll stop. I’m so sorry.

You’re not sorry, and you shouldn’t be sorry. In this time of darkness and lunacy, what do we have left but our puns? Our puns and our memories of Tormund waxing poetic about giant babies?

Dammit I want giant Tormund and Brienne babies so badly. Like, there could be an epilogue where they show where all the living characters are after the whole thing is over and they could be living someplace lovely and green with a bunch of gorgeous giant babies running around with swords and Tormund is getting them all riled up and Brienne is making that face she makes when Podrick disappoints her with an obvious parry? 

What, you mean this one?

What, you mean this one?

These scenes just write themselves. HBO should put us on the payroll.

Someone is not leaving the big King’s Landing showdown alive. My money is on Cersei, but I’m willing to admit that’s mostly wishful thinking. The more likely candidate is Brienne. Because let’s be honest, Sansa sent her because Brienne is the one person who truly will never betray her, and honor is worth less than horse shit in Cersei Lannister’s throne room. Also, there’s this little movie franchise called Star Wars  (you may have heard of it) and I hear Gwendoline Christie has kind of a big role in it these days.

Likelihood: Cersei Death: 22% Brienne Death: 64% Someone Else: 12%

Tormund Sobs Upon Hearing Of Brienne Death: 12,000%. 

The World Weeps With Tormund: All the percents.

Look at his beautiful face! Don't make him sad HBO. It's not nice.

Look at his beautiful face! Don’t make him sad HBO. It’s not nice.

The Night King and his new friend will definitely cross The Wall. I mean, he can fly now, so let’s be serious. An undead Viserion is coming over the top of that wall onto someone’s head. Probably some poor peasants or unsuspecting Night’s Watch folk, but seriously. Viserion undoubtedly has new skills to show off, and what better way to do it than finally defeating The Wall? Likelihood: 100%

I think The Wall is coming down. I think Viserion the Wight Dragon is going to breathe whatever horrific zombie fire he has now right onto the Wall, and stuff is going to MELT and CRUMBLE. And then the Army of the Undead will come in with more of those fancy chains and start pulling it to pieces.

The Night's King can't wait to show the southroners his big chains. They don't have chains this big.

The Night’s King can’t wait to show the southroners his big chains. They don’t have chains this big.

I just feel like the chains would be wasted if they don’t put in a further appearance. Since they were such a big character this past week and all.

Well, now I need that to happen. And really, why would the Night King be subtle about this entrance? The fall of The Wall has been foreshadowed since about Chapter 3 of Book One, so….

For real. I feel like almost since I first learned of the existence of The Wall, I also knew that someday The Wall would be coming down.

Daenerys will apologize to Tyrion for being an ass and an idiot. Tyrion will accept, with gratitude and snark. And then tell her that seriously, she needs to name an heir. Likelihood: 95%

Like, of all the things, this is the one that feels least likely to me: Daenerys apologizing. Ever. For anything. She might name an heir though. But whom will it be, Carolyn???  

I should have said apolgize-ish. More like an apology adjacent sort of thing. With significant looks and meaningful nods. Honestly, the sucker for a sappy happy story in me wants her to name Tyrion. So, I guess it will be anyone but Tyrion then.

I can’t even think of a likely candidate, just a vague “It won’t be Tyrion”. 

Oooh. I wonder if she got pissy during that convo because she thinks Tyrion wants it to be him. Poor Tyrion. 

Game of Thrones alternate title: Alas, Poor Tyrion.

The man who deserves to be King.

The man who deserves to be King.

Jorah will gaze moodily as the good ship Jonerys sails off into the Blackwater Rush. Not that I want that ship going anywhere, but alas, no one is listening to me. The creators and fans will have their song of ice and fire. And by song, I mean romance. And by romance, I mean tragically cut short winter fling, because there is an army of frozen undead coming and Jon and Dany have Hero Things(tm) to do. Likelihood: 4000%

Also I think Jonerys might have sexy times on that ship. Metaphorical ship or otherwise. God, it seems like forever since anyone had sex on this show. THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SAY, EVER.  

Oh sex is happening. These people are too pretty and much of the fandom has waited way too long. Sex is on. I’m hoping for positive, affirming sex with bonus slo-mo shots of Kit’s hair wafting. Did that get weird? I feel like that got weird.

The day needs his saving expertise.

The day needs his saving expertise.

OMG can we PLEASE get his hair out of that wretched pulled back thing it’s been doing all season and get Daenerys’ locks unbraided??? I don’t pay HBO good money to see Jon Snow’s hair go to waste like this, and I bet what’s making Daenerys so cranky is how tight those damn braids are pulled.  

Sam will arrive at Winterfell and Bran will finally spit out a series of sentences that make sense and are moderately less creepy. Sam will realize what Gilly uncovered in the Big Book of Important Information(tm) and then, well then he’ll probably do that thing where Sam gets really giddy and excited and John Bradley lets out that perfectly adorable grin he saves for when Sam has done something terribly clever and he’ll go running off to tell Jon he’s about to bone his aunt. He will not be in time. Likelihood: 80%

He will not be in time at all. Sigh.

Luckily, since Jon and Daenerys are likely not long for this world, they won’t have to live with the (slight) shame for terribly long.  Just one short season worth of episodes!

Also, they will be focused on the Night King and trying to save the world and making bad plans and then also worse plans, and then brooding. No one has time to feel guilty during all that! 

Let’s talk about the scene in the trailer where Grey Worm and the Unsullied are standing in formation outside King’s Landing (I’m assuming) and there’s an army coming at them. Maybe THAT’S Cersei’s betrayal: sending an army to attack them while they’re all supposed to be at a cease-fire during the meeting. MAYBE GREY WORM DIES.

OMG I hate that thought. Poor Missandei.

If Grey Worm dies, we riot. It is known.

He is basically the Daryl Dixon of this show. When Tyrion isn’t the Daryl Dixon of this show. (That’s a Walking Dead reference for those who don’t know.) 

That’s the other show with the zombies, right?

Also: Is Cersei really having a baby? Will the baby be a demon? I assume it will be a demon. But like a real demon, not a Melisandre-style shadow demon of murderiness.

She is either not pregnant or pregnant with a horrible demon. Nothing in between. I hope not pregnant and Jaime busts her for her cruel lies and ends this damn thing already. Because I am over Cersei and her Pixie Cut of Evil.

I’m convinced that Lena Headey is legit the best actress ever. Because remember what a goddamn delight she was at Denver Comic Con last year, and you and I fangirled and did the squeeing and had no chill and sometimes I still giggle in secret over some of the stuff she said, like “I love to be baaaad,” and she is so delightfully British and told us how she grabbed Cary Elwes’ ass and…

No. We are not remotely chill.

Evidence of our lack of chill.

I’m fine. It’s fine. Carry on. 

Good times. Remember how she had on really practical shoes just like you did and how validating that was? She’s awesome.

Things That Won’t Happen That Should:

Jon and Arya will be in the same room. Or hemisphere even. At this point, I’m grateful that they are more or less on the same continent.

I do want Jon and Arya to meet again. But I’m kind of afraid of how it will go. What if he likes Sansa better now???

Jon is the one person who will immediately treat Arya as if she is still, you know, Arya. His scamp of a little sister with dirt on her dress. That could make all the difference for her, you know? I just want someone to see her underneath her super cool stabbing skills and bag of faces and know that somewhere inside there is still the young girl who taught her direwolf to fetch and wanted a sword and ran over and hugged him SO HARD when we gave her Needle because she was really going to miss him and he totally understood her.

*sounds of ugly crying*

*sounds of ugly crying*

BIG BREATH. Look, I have a lot of feelings about Arya.

The Stark sisters will speak to each other directly and clearly about their emotional trauma and stop talking in circles around each other. Preferably over cake.

Will any Stark ever speak directly to any other Stark about anything that makes them uncomfortable? They’re like Connecticut WASPs, the Starks.

As a native-born Connecticut WASP I do not wish to discuss this any further Shannis. Did you see the sunflowers today? They’re lovely this time of year.

See, isn't this nicer than talking about your profound trauma?

See, isn’t this nicer than talking about your profound trauma?

As a native-born Canadian WASP, I love me some sunflowers. And! I will add to this list: Jon Snow will come up with a good strategy for something. Anything.

Well, there was that one time he figured out how to get more dragonglass…

Dragonass? 

DRAGONGLASS!

I will master spelling Daenerys correctly on the first try after 19 years.

No offense, because you know I adore you, but I don’t think you’re ever going to spell Daenerys correctly on the first try. It’s like my mental block against being able to correctly spell Professor McGonagall correctly on the first try (that just took me two attempts and a Google search, in the spirit of full disclosure). But you know — at least you can spell JAIME.

I can also spell Tyrion, Arya and Jon! 

Also you said cake, so now I want cake.

I just searched our entire media catalogue and we have no images of cake. We are failures.

That seems suspect. But I guess mostly I post photos of bread. And Daryl Dixon. 

Things That Won’t Happen That I Wish Everyone Would Stop Going On About:

Arya dying.

Tyrion dying.

Sansa dying.

Jon dying.

More dragons appearing out of nowhere randomly and without warning.

OMG YES to all of these things. What would be the point of any of those characters if they die now? Unless some kind of huge plot twist happens in the season finale, I don’t think we’ve been led down a path this season to any of these characters dying THIS SEASON. Some of them might die in the final season. Hell, all of them might die in the final season. But they are not dying in this finale. And I don’t think we’ve yet reached the reason for Jon Snow coming back to life after being ruthlessly murdered by a band of betrayers. (I still have feelings. A lot of feelings.) 

Girl, we both have those feelings. I can’t even. Those bastards. I hope they’re burning in all Seven Hells.

And look. I like a dragon just as much as the next super nerdy 40-something woman with a boring career and a kid to feed. But as crazy as the world of Game of Thrones is, I just don’t think there are random dormant dragons hiding beneath every large edifice in the realm. That doesn’t seem to be how dragons work in Westeros and beyond. There were eggs and fire and nakedness and things hatched and… it seems pretty simple. Right?  

Buried Dragons and Secret Targaryens are my least favorite tinfoil hat ASoIaF fan theories. Not everything is A Thing people. Just no. For the record, my favorite fan theory is the Grand Unified Tyrell Conspiracy, because it was pithy, well researched and it ended up be startlingly accurate. Those were the days — what we lacked in memes, we made up for in withering takedowns of trolls and malcontents.

My all-time favorite fan theory is the Ron is Dumbledore Time Travel theory. See how I can still turn any conversation ever into one about Harry Potter? 

ANYWAY. 

What do you think will happen on Sunday, readers? Tell us what we missed in the comments, and be sure to join us on Twitter during the show for the best snark in the realm. And bring some cake, we’re hungry!

 

Carolyn Reacts: Game of Thrones Grows Up (Season 7, episode 1)

The man who watches the show should write the post.

The man who watches the show should write the post.

In case you didn’t get it from the title and the picture, there are SO MANY SPOILERS in this post. You have been warned.

Oh good, you’re still here. Let’s do this thing! Just the “Previously On….” was enough to get me cheering and bouncing in my chair. Things are moving so fast now, and as much as I don’t want it to end, I am desperate to know how it ends. I’ve wanted to see the culmination of this story since 1999, and we are so close!

Oldtown has a model in the credits! Library hype! Even after 7 years, this opening sequence still makes my little nerd heart so happy.

Oldtown-credits

Libraries are so hot.

Right from the opening moments of the first scene, I had chills. Arya, so cold, so ruthless, so comfortable in Walder Frey’s skin. I’m terrified for her, the path she has chosen is dark and pitiless. As much I cheered to see our lost wolf avenge her mother and brother, I’m worried that she may become lost to the darkness forever. But that speech? That was perfection, and the first hint that Game of Thrones has stepped it up several notches already this season. Full of calm fury and naked contempt, the writing was truly next level. Not to mention the fact that David Bradley just absolutely knocked the delivery out of the park, and onto the street, and maybe right on over into the next town.

Y'all motherf*&%ckers need the Many Faced God.

Y’all motherf*&%ckers need the Many Faced God.

Cool kings of the undead don’t look at explosions. Or whatever it is that is behind them. I love how epic their slow march to the Wall feels. There’s no rush, just calm persistence and absolute belief in their inevitable victory. The Night’s King has been alive forever, he’s got all the time in the world to get where he is going.

And Hell followed with him.

And Hell followed with him.

Lyanna Mormont doesn’t knit. Because knitting is stupid. Knitting doesn’t win wars you idiotic, bleating fools. Any hand that can hold a sword needs to swing one now. I mean, did you see the zombie giants? There are zombie giants coming, your rules about who can and cannot fight are no longer even remotely relevant.

Yeah, I don't knit. Or crochet. Or not stab zombies in the face.

Yeah, I don’t knit. Or crochet. Or not stab zombies in the face.

Sansa is not interested in your nonsense [insert name of person speaking at her here]. Also? She looks FABULOUS.

Do you see this? This is my unimpressed face.

Do you see this? This is my unimpressed face. #TeamSansa

I’m loving this new, mature dynamic between her and Jon. Our little bird is a wolf after all. I think she and Jon are the perfect foils for each other now. Sansa ruthless, driven, focused. Jon forgiving, desperate, still idealistic after all these years. They need each other, and I can only hope they continue to listen to each other. They make one hell of a team, tempering each other’s more destructive tendencies and buffering each other’s formidable strengths.

Fire and Ice. Or is it Ice and Fire? Whatever.

Fire and Ice. Or is it Ice and Fire? Whatever.

Cersei looks fabulous. Crazy, but fabulous. I can’t decide if she’s moved beyond her grief into straight up ruthless queen mode, or if she’s just hiding her despair behind that amazing dress and impassive face. Either way, she’s gone round the bend and I don’t think she’s ever coming back. Whatever loose grip she once had on sanity is long gone, and all she has left is her belief that she either wins, or she dies.

Poor Jaime tries logic on his twin. Surprising precisely no one, logic fails. Gods bless him, he tried, but she’s Mad King Aerys come again and I already feel bad for him. One day soon, he’s going to have to do what he has to do and end this before she burns more than the sept to the ground.

I think she's been taking sartorial lessons from Claire Underwood.

I think she’s been taking sartorial lessons from Claire Underwood.

I could write a whole thing on Euron Greyjoy, but here’s the tl;dr: Game of Thrones: Now with 1000% more snark, guyliner and smirking. There’s no gift in the world that he could bring her to win her heart, except for maybe Tyrion’s head on a platter, but we all know that’s not happening. So good luck to you Euron.

Sam Goes to Monastery was hands down one of my favorite sequences the show has ever done. It justified the large time skip, it was hilarious and it showed Sam’s growing frustration and impatience with being unable to access the information he knows they need to win this war. Combine that with Professor Slughorn dropping some serious philosophy on him, and the delightful Harry Potter homage was complete. Also, as mentioned on Twitter, I need a video of that sequence cut with Pink Floyd’s Money playing underneath it, so if the internet could get on that for me, that would be great. EDIT: Oh look, someone did! Thanks @mpirnat, you win One Internet.

Sam is such a total Hermione.

Sam is such a total Hermione.

Petyr: If you’re lucky, Sansa will murder you in your sleep, with great mercy and no pain. You made a fatal mistake choosing her as your piece in the game. Because she learns, she adapts, and she will soon surpass even your skills. If she hasn’t already. Sansa wants to do more than play the game of thrones, she wants to change it. While I don’t think a crown is what she really wants, if Sansa keeps on like this, she could be the last one standing in the end. With the love she learned from her family, the skills Petyr gave her and just enough of Cersei’s laser focus, Sansa would be an excellent Queen. Assuming, of course, that the zombie giants don’t eat her.

Petyr: She'll love me one day. Sansa: I wonder what the inside of his skull looks like.

Petyr: She’ll love me one day. Sansa: I wonder what the inside of his skull looks like.

I haven’t done an exhaustive study, but I feel like Daenerys gets to button the episodes a lot. It doesn’t always work for me, but this time it really did. I loved seeing her so small, and so alone against the massive fortress of Dragonstone, putting her feet on the sand of her homeland for the very first time in her living memory. It was a powerfully understated scene, especially in comparison to some her other more overwrought moments.

And I didn’t even get into The Hound and how much I love his new arc, and, well, just everything about him. That’ll be a post for another day I suppose. But I’m looking forward to more of him in Season 7, and I especially hope he meets up with Arya again someday. Imagine what words they would have for each other. Over chicken.

And so it begins, the final chapters of this epic tale. If the tone, the text and the delivery shown in this episode continues, we are in for an amazing treat. Welcome to the new Game of Thrones, now with more nuance, depth and zombie giants.

I'm including this photo only because I adore it. Because look at them. They are delightful.

I’m including this photo only because I adore it. Because look at them. They are delightful.

Want to be part of our Game of Thrones experience? Follow us on Twitter, where we live tweet the episodes, share hilarious memes and are otherwise giant dorks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Casting is Amazing for 13th Doctor

13doctor

The new Doctor was announced Sunday morning. It is Jodie Whittaker!

This is an amazing choice. Doctor Who has always been about change and wonder. Change with each regeneration of the Doctor, change with each companion’s story arc, and change to new companions. Wonder about new planets, crazy aliens, and pure exploration.

The change has become less and less pronounced with each regeneration, though. There have always been obvious attitude shifts between the Doctors, but now, after 13 different white British men have played the Doctor, it feels like too much of the same. For a show based on change, that has absolutely frustrated long-time fans like me. For newer fans, imagine that the show you’ve watched since you were young demands that every few years you lose the main character you love, and a completely new one, with some similarities, takes over. Each regeneration (re-casting of the Doctor) is sad, but you see that real change can also bring a real dramatic payoff. The new Doctor can do things the last Doctor couldn’t. Say things the last one couldn’t. Make even crazier plans. You fall in love all over again, and the show surprises you again.

Doctor Who has hit a rough spot in recent seasons. (Search 2017 viewership if you want to know how rough.) The changes between Doctors are less obvious, making the payoff less rewarding. A show that hinges much of its change and wonder on surprising the audience is having trouble making anything seem new anymore. We know these male Doctors too well. They may say and do some things differently, but we know their reactions too well. How they show their ego and hide their feelings. How they order everyone about.

I agree completely with the cheers of representation. It matters that Doctor Who finally has a female Doctor. It may not matter much to people well-represented in their fandoms, but to those who aren’t, it means a lot. It doesn’t just matter to young girls, either, but to people of all ages who have been waiting for this. It matters for two big reasons. One: dreams. Sometimes it doesn’t even occur to you to believe you can be Doctor Who, or a starship captain, or a spaceship mechanic. I mean you don’t KNOW any women who are those things. Then one day you do, and it occurs to you that there is a possibility. The path exists. Not everyone becomes what they dream of, but the dreaming is important to propel you into future success.

The second reason is even bigger, and it gets into not what you think is possible, but what everyone else as a society thinks you could be capable of. It isn’t just dreamers not dreaming big enough that makes it hard for the first person to do the thing no one else of their race, class, gender, sex, etc. has done before. There is always someone who is thinking of trying things. It is hard because everyone else is unconsciously re-asserting that their idea of the world is how the world is. They don’t even know they are doing it. They see how the world is, through their own experience, plus discussions with other people, and from watching media like TV and the internet. They see it, and they reinforce it. That world they are reinforcing usually leaves a lot of people left out. The exact reason that so many people are raging about a woman becoming the center of this show is the very reason we need it.

Now some are claiming it breaks the rules of the show’s universe. Does this change break the rules set up by the show? Nope, another time lord sometimes regenerates to a woman, and the Doctor has previously said that he has never tried to regenerate into a woman. It has also been made clear that the Doctor does not always get what he wants during regeneration, or he’d be ginger by now. Any and all of these details fully support that this follows the rules of the show’s universe. People can act like they are concerned about the integrity of the show, but in fact they are trying to preserve a world where a woman doesn’t become the center of this show. They really needed to see a great actress as the main character long ago, so they’d feel that having a female lead sometimes is just how the show is, and how the world is.

Above and beyond all of that, this is what is right for the show. This show is dependent on change. This regeneration needed to not be another white man. We’ve seen some amazing actors from our male Doctors, and they’ve really covered a lot of different personalities, attitudes and viewpoints. However, a woman, will bring a completely new point of view that will make even the basics of Doctor Who new and different.

More than that, I’m excited for what Jodie Whittaker specifically can bring to the show. Her prior work shows the emotional depth of her range as an actress. As the grieving mother of a murdered child on Broadchurch, she took her character through every emotion in a very honest way. By casting someone with her range, I’m hoping this is a signal from the producers of Doctor Who that the now-typical “the Doctor hides feelings until great crazy sacrifice is needed” isn’t going to be a weekly plot point anymore. We KNOW that deep down you are a big softie, Doctor. You can stop hiding behind your jokes, your rage, and your awkwardness.

Many of the personality changes between Doctors are drastic swings from one type of personality to another as well. We had ten’s exhaustion at the pain of living with regret and self-loathing, followed by eleven’s excited puppy enthusiasm for everything. Now after a Doctor who had issues dealing with and showing his emotions, the new Doctor will be played by an actress who has proven she can portray deep emotions. So I’m hoping that this new Doctor will finally embrace something none of the previous Doctors ever embraced: displaying emotions beyond rage, disappointment, and humor. The Doctors have shown other feelings, but almost always under extreme circumstances. The depth of most of their feelings they’ve hidden behind a facade. I hope this regeneration is to a Doctor that isn’t afraid to show and deal with their emotions. And before anyone starts complaining about how they don’t want an emotional Doctor, shhhh – you already have an emotional Doctor. I’m just asking for a Doctor who is evolved enough to not feel they need to hide everything away. Some things, sure. The Doctor will always be SECRETIVE. However, that’s very different than being emotionally repressed.

Now at this point you may be thinking I’m suggesting I want a Doctor who cries a lot. Or cannot be a calm badass when necessary. I did not say either of those things, but I used the bad words emotions and feelings and your brain probably thinks I mean let’s make the Doctor a weak blubbering mess. If you have the time, possibly you should think through who you know who doesn’t process their feelings well and if they seem heroic to you, and the people that you know who confront their issues and are honest with themselves, and if they don’t seem almost super human. Also, watch Dr. Horrible. He’s a badass anti-hero, and he has plenty of time to examine his flaws, his mistakes, and his desire to rule the world, all while singing.

This is not to suggest that a Time Lord who has witnessed and lived through so much trauma can with one generation be healed and balanced or anything that radical. I still fully expect a slightly damaged and very egotistical Doctor. But the Doctor has been running from his feelings for far too long. It is time she took some time to reflect on herself and truly become all she’s capable of being.

Here’s the thing. I’m sure the Doctor has a million more psychological problems and oddities. Until we get past the most obvious, we won’t get to explore them all, and after all, this show is about wonder and exploration.

Of course, in case being emotionally repressed is a core trait of the Doctor that even the new show runner, Chris Chibnall, is unwilling to give up, I am still excited to see the role played by someone as talented and soulful as Jodie Whittaker. She can handle all of it. But I’m begging you, let’s have a doctor who is allowed to have emotions. Please.

Legion is insanely lovable

legionheader6

Legion is a horror-soap-opera told by a man who has done a lifetime of drugs. It never goes quite so far as to make sense. Just as you get close to a thought it bleeds into another thought and neither are really clear, and all you really know is that this show is lovably insane.

This post only includes vague spoilers because I don’t really know what’s going on in Legion.

I truly love how they just keep telling David Haller that he’s sane. That he isn’t schizophrenic (a long-term mental disorder of a type involving a breakdown in the relation between thought, emotion, and behavior, leading to faulty perception, inappropriate actions and feelings, withdrawal from reality and personal relationships into fantasy and delusion, and a sense of mental fragmentation). Yet the show is all breakdowns between things that should work together, and mental fragments.

No, they think he’s completely sane, and they just need to prove this to him by prodding him into remembering his most traumatic memories. Obviously. Don’t you feel sane inside your trauma? Also, while they are there proving his sanity, they’d also like to set off his powers. Now some people who’ve set off his powers were killed instantly, but that doesn’t seem to give anyone pause.

Instead, every episode they are back at it. Set off his powers! Go inside his fractured mind! They’re constantly saying things like HE SHOULDN’T BE ABLE TO DO THAT! Usually in situations that show that no one is in control. No one. It is complete chaos.They are poking the bear, but this bear has superpowers!

It is wonderful. They are leading an expedition into his creepy, horror brain. They just keep going back in. In more and more dangerous ways! Let’s push him further! Let’s look deeper! It’s such a bad, bad idea, but I just love it. Yes, go! GO LOOK! There are paper mache heads, snicker-snacks, yellow eyes, red lights…They are trying to solve the mystery of his personal horror. So I guess that means it is a Horror-mystery-soap-opera with drugs.

I’m kind of afraid they’ll solve it, but then again, that may lead to more fragmented thought plot. I am definitely not reading the comics, searching google, or watching my comic show that said it would talk about it this week. I don’t want to ruin the creepy surprise!

I think it’s the seen-through-drugs lens that makes it all so fun. It isn’t a realistic horror that is just HORROR. It is so stylized that even reality doesn’t look that real in this show. It’s all just the gleeful part of a bad horror movie where you say, “YES! GO INTO THE BASEMENT ALONE WHEN THE POWER IS OUT!” It is really quite lovely, and you should watch it.

Legion airs on FX on Wednesdays.

Shannis Reacts: The Walking Dead, Season 7 Episode 10, “New Best Friends”

I have to dive right in because I’m so excited about at least one thing that happened on tonight’s episode! So…

Seriously. Every week. Every episode. We're gonna do this.

Seriously. Every week. Every episode. We’re gonna do this.

Opening shot of Ezekiel and some of his peeps waiting for some Saviors to show up and take their stuff. It’s a truck load of watermelon and fuel. The watermelon is in IKEA baskets.

tbh they must be Dulcinea watermelons because these baskets aren't that big.

tbh they must be Dulcinea watermelons because these baskets aren’t that big, which is cool because that’s like a “screw you” to the Saviors, who probably think they should get large watermelons and stuff! 

Greasy haired Savior demands Richard’s gun. A fistfight ensues. Ezekiel makes Richard give up the gun because Ezekiel still thinks he can keep the peace with these dipshits. Gavin the Savior makes threats to Ezekiel. Greasy haired Savior takes Morgan’s ninja stick. Morgan is pissed.

Back at the Kingdom, Ezekiel lectures Ben for being quick to fight. This is some nonsense. Like, a year or two into the zombie apocalypse, everyone needs to get on board with fighting to survive. I’m bored with these people who think diplomacy is the way to go. 

Anyway. Daryl shows up and wants to know where they went. He is unimpressed that Morgan is bleeding. They have a stare down. Daryl is all, Carol wouldn’t put up with this. Morgan is all, Carol left because she doesn’t want to kill anyone else. He won’t tell Daryl where to find her. 

Next Daryl goes to make friends with Richard. He is practicing archery. He lets Daryl have a turn. It’s nice to see Daryl with a crossbow in his hands again.

Hello, luvvah.

Hello, luvvah.

By the way: Can I just tell you how stupid it is to have a Richard on a show where a dude named Rick is the main character? It’s very stupid.

Ads. Beats by Dre with Nicki Minaj. Humans. Show looks bad — I watched three minutes of it the other night and it was just… not good. iPad. Naked chicken chalupa from Taco Bell. Just kill me now. Ads are so awful. What am I even doing with my life????

Snickers Crisper looks delightful though.

Mmmmm. Snickers!

Mmmmm. Snickers!

Richard shows Daryl his secret stash. They go out walking. On the highway. Because in the zombie apocalypse, you can do that without getting… oh wait. Haha. Anyway! They’re going to wait for Saviors to drive by and shoot them. Richard tells Daryl about Carol but doesn’t know Daryl knows her. He’s left a trail to her cabin with the weapons cache, with Carol as bait. Like, they’ll follow the trail to her cabin, and they’ll kill her, and since Ezekiel “cares for her”, Ezekiel will be angered enough to join Rick and the All Stars in their fight against the Saviors. Daryl knows it’s Carol. Also this plan is terrible and Daryl knows it. He takes Richard down. They engage in fisticuffs and then have a standoff and then Richard convinces Daryl to stand down and stick with the plan. Which still sucks, just saying. And then Daryl warns Richard that if anything happens to Carol, he’ll kill him. And then he leaves. Presumably to find Carol.

This is so convoluted. Richard is a terrible strategist and he looks like the Governor and has the same name as Rick. Seriously how the hell is anyone supposed to keep up with this nonsense? 

Ads ads ads.

There is an ad for Los Pollos Hermanos and I legit just spit my drink out. 

Thanks, AMC.

Back to the show. The Children of the Corn are back, leading Rick and the All Stars into a junkyard. There is some sort of effed up circle ritual happening. Just like in Children of the Corn! A lady with a really unfortunate haircut steps up to demand info.

For real, check this out:

She does not have a good stylist.

She does not have a good stylist.

I mean for real, who did she piss off in hair and makeup??
It's legit worse than the trash heap she calls her kingdom.

It’s legit worse than the trash heap she calls her kingdom.

Rick is all, show me Gabriel first. On our couch, we are all, no one cares about Gabriel.

Rick schools Bad Hair Day about the Saviors and tries to get her to team up. She says no.

Fight! Gabriel even holds a knife to some ugly chick’s neck! Then he gives them some preacher talk and takes a turn at trying to convince them.

It’s a terrible idea to team up with these people. I just want to throw that out there. Even if they change their minds and say okay, it’s a really terrible idea. 

The leader takes Rick up a hill of trash to look over her shitty area.

Everything the light touches is our kingdom, Simba.

Everything the light touches is our kingdom, Simba.

She yammers about stuff being difficult or some nonsense. This entire show is nonsense sometimes. God. 

Then she pushes him down the side of the trash heap. So that’s cool.

Ads. Call of Duty. Are all of these calls of duty different or what is the deal?

Back in Trashland, Rick is stuck in a pit with an extra creepy zombie with pointy armor.

Oh wow. That is... you got something on your head, man.

Oh wow. That is… you got something on your head, man.

Pointy Trash Zombie is ready for a snack. Rick doesn’t know what to do, given that he has no weapons and only a giant pile of trash at his disposal. Michonne has to coach Rick from the other side of a pipe through which she is watching. She’s all, “Use the heap!” It’s like Obi Wan Kenobi up in here. Rick does some stuff with the trash, gets a sharp object. He kills the creature and Bad Hair Day throws down a rope. He climbs back up and she says they want guns. Rick grins. He is a sick, sick man. He is also injured, on his hand and his leg. 

So they strike a deal. They will get a third of whatever guns Rick and the All Stars can find. She wants more but Rick says no. Her teeth are oddly good for someone with hair that bad. She claims her name is Jadis. I don’t buy it, mostly because people don’t really name their children things like… oh wait. Never mind. 

She takes her Corn children with her and Rick and the All stars are free to leave. Pook really, REALLY wants Rick to get a bandage first. Evil Rob is all, “It’s a terrible idea to get a bandage from these people. It’ll be covered in bacteria.” It’s a tough call for me. But he has a bandage by the time they leave. 

Ads. Are we someday going to stop allowing Matthew McConaughey to sell cars for Lincoln?

Already 7:45! This episode is going quickly.

FINALLY! Carol!

There is never enough Carol in this show.

The look on Carol's face right here is straight out of my own parenting playbook. She has no time for your SHENANIGANS.

The look on Carol’s face right here is straight out of my own parenting playbook. She has no time for your SHENANIGANS.

And Ezekiel and his men and one lady are outside, doing something and claiming that they tried to be quiet and not bother her. Carol isn’t buying your nonsense, you guys.

She just wants to read a damn book, you guys.

She just wants to read a damn book, you guys.

Jerry the Fat Samurai brought her a cobbler. He grins when she accepts. Everyone in my house falls instantly, irrevocably in love. This means he will probably die two episodes from now.

In real life, he is a Jewish Samoan named Cooper Andrews.

In real life, he is a Jewish Samoan named Cooper Andrews. Look at that face! 

Later Carol’s trying to read another book and someone else knocks on her damn door. WHO CAN IT BE.

The internet doesn’t disappoint when it comes to Daryl and Carol fan art, you guys.

IMG_1560a8755cfdbceaa6a49ee1cce686cf2634

Daryl and Carol by sairobi on deviantart

Daryl and Carol by sairobi on deviantart

Carol and Daryl Chibi Valentine by nasubionna on deviantart

Carol and Daryl Chibi Valentine by nasubionna on deviantart

Daryl and Carol Reunited by jadeddreams1 on deviantart

Daryl and Carol Reunited by jadeddreams1 on deviantart

Caryl by akimao on deviantart

Caryl by akimao on deviantart

by poppprocks on nanozine

by poppprocks on nanozine

by Ashlee Casey on reddit

by Ashlee Casey on reddit

I could do this all night. But I won’t. Just one more…

This one is my fave. For reasons.

This one is my fave. For reasons.

Anyway, obviously it’s Daryl at the door and they stare at each other for a good minute before they embrace. Me and Pook are crying. Just a little. But still. Totally crying.

Scene change! Rick and Gabriel are talking while they make everyone else pack the car. Guess who is still boring and annoying? Spoiler: It’s Gabriel. 

And then Rosita and Tara are bickering again. This is bullshit. At some point, this stuff wouldn’t matter to people anymore. Bickering and hating each other because they once hooked up with the same man. This is what men think all women do all day long though, isn’t it? This has always been the issue with this show: the male creators have no idea how to write women. And of all the women in the world, Rosita and Tara would be least likely to behave like this. So this is a stupid waste of time throwaway scene. 

Rick grabs a terrible trash sculpture for Michonne before they head out.

Ads. Kong: Skull Island. Meh. How many times are we going to remake this damn movie? 

Back at the cabin: Daryl and Carol are in her living room in front of a romantic fire.

Melissa McBride as Carol Peletier - The Walking Dead _ Season 7, Episode 10 - Photo Credit: Gene Page/AMC

Melissa McBride as Carol Peletier – The Walking Dead _ Season 7, Episode 10 – Photo Credit: Gene Page/AMC

She tells him why she left the group — she doesn’t want to keep killing people because it’s killing her inside. Then she asks him if the Saviors came and if they hurt anyone. Daryl lies without hesitation and tells her everyone is all right. She gives him stew. He leaves after dark but first they hug again.

Do you think someday they’ll actually hook up? Maybe on the very last episode, the whole world is burning and they are the last ones left and they know they are not long for the world, and so they’re like, “Let’s just do this already,” and they get busy and that’s the last we ever see of them.

(Hey Walking Dead producers? I can write for you! Call me!)

Tiger! Daryl is bonding with her. Morgan comes in and compliments Daryl’s rapport with the tiger. Daryl is like, we need the Kingdom. You gotta make that happen. Morgan is all, I can’t. Daryl is annoyed. Morgan tells him they are alike and that he knows that Daryl didn’t tell Carol about Abe and Glenn or she would have come back with him, ready to fight. Daryl’s like, whatevs, get us the Kingdom, MORGAN. 

Daryl leaves for Hilltop in the morning.

Scenes from next week show Negan and Dwight picking on Eugene. Great. Like, Eugene is a wuss anyway. It’s not going to be any fun to watch Negan and Dwight pick on him. 

You guys. Pollyanna McIntosh (Jadis) is on the Talking Dead and her hair is not a whole lot better in real life. She is lovely though.

Remember Jordan in Real Genius? That's what this hair reminds me of.

Remember Jordan in Real Genius? That’s what this hair reminds me of.

 

And now for some gratuitous Norman Reedus. Because hell, why not?

Did you know that back in the 1990s, Norman Reedus was a model? He did a whole campaign for Prada. And I actually have vivid recall of this campaign because back in MY 1990s, I was writing a terrible book about a rock star and superstar pop singer, and I read a boatload of fashion magazines for inspiration, and the Norman Reedus Prada ads were included in my vision notebook (that’s what we used to have in olden times, before they invented Pinterest).

Anyway.

b9709d0d85dde393974f01a9f629bbb0

 

Sweet dreams, and see you next week for an episode that has to suck more than this one because Negan will be back and we all know how much Negan loves the sound of his own voice!!

Shannis Reacts: The Walking Dead, Season 7 Episode 9, “Rock in the Road”

Oh god. Here we are again. It’s like no time has passed at all but apparently it’s been two whole months or something? I don’t even know. I’m missing the trainwreck known as the Grammys for this so I hope everyone appreciates my sacrifice.

As ever, SPOILERS FOLLOW.

I know. People who whine about spoilers make me cry too, Daryl.

I know. People who whine about spoilers make me cry too, Daryl.


All right. Midseason premiere. Let’s do this. Which… “midseason premier”. Everything on television is such an event now. I’m so over it. Can’t we just watch our STORIES without it being a THING? 

Boring Father Gabriel is reading a book in the dark while he’s supposed to be on watch duty. Typical. I guess he assumes God’s got it under control.

Now he’s wandering into a house in the dark and knocks a bunch of shit down, causing a huge ruckus. Nice.

He’s loading stuff from the pantry into a plastic bin.

Ah. Stealing a car, preacher man?

Yep. He’s bailing.

Pretty much.

Pretty much.

Ads. Snore.

Hilltop, and The Ricking Crew are meeting with the dude in charge in his office. This Hilltop dickbag is starting to sound a lot like Negan. Jesus is like, “You’re a dick, dude.” And the dickbag is like, “We’re not fighting.” 

You guys, I’m not gonna lie. My husband made Elvis sandwiches for dinner and there was a situation with my bread and I had to take care of it during this very overlong scene with Gregory saying “no, Hilltop isn’t gonna fight” and The Ricking Crew arguing and Carl Poppa saying he’s going to train the people. None of us missed anything and then Enid rallied some more Hilltop people to the cause and Daryl was like, “We don’t need numbers because we can just blow shit up” and I knew I loved Daryl for a reason.

Also this sandwich kicks ass.

Ads for Arrival and some kind of over the top Verizon plan that thinks highly enough of itself to use music from 2001: A Space Odyssey. Come on, Verizon. Get a grip. I’ve seen 2001: A Space Odyssey and you are NO 2001: A Space Odyssey. I mean, look at this. It’s just an opening credits shot and it’s amazing.

Once, in first grade, or maybe it was second, I don’t know because I am old now, we did a music and dance program at school for the parents and one of the dances was to the opening music from that movie, and it was real weird. Like, the kids pretended to be space rocks but then they came to life and danced around like rock-shaped aliens? It was the 1970s. I don’t know. Anyway now I’m in this place:

 

Creepy. My baby daddy’s name is HAL. I bet that’s NO COINCIDENCE.

But I digress.

Road trip! To The Kingdom!

Jesus needs a haircut.

Sweet silver angel over the sea please come down flyin' low for me

Sweet silver angel over the sea
please come down flyin’ low for me

Horses!!

The guards are like, who are all these people? Jesus is like, friends of mine. The guards are like, line up. Daryl isn’t having it. He will likely never get in a line ever again. Rick tries to be reasonable. It grates on him. But the guards take The Ricking Crew through the gates. 

Inside the Kingdom, hippie music is playing.

Pretty sure these dudes are about to show up.

Pretty sure these dudes are about to show up.

The guards lead The Ricking Crew through the streets and they see the young people training and the other people doing their… gardening. And suddenly here is Morgan and everyone hugs! Or almost everyone. Not Rick! And then he fills them in on Carol and Daryl is listening with extra ears. Morgan says she’s gone and Daryl looks super sad. And then Morgan says he got them an audience with the king. 

King Ezekiel! And the tiger!

Khary Payton as Ezekiel - The Walking Dead _ Season 7, Episode 2 - Photo Credit: Gene Page/AMC

Khary Payton as Ezekiel – The Walking Dead _ Season 7, Episode 2 – Photo Credit: Gene Page/AMC

King Ezekiel is going to be at Denver Comic Con this year and I am super stoked. I hope he brings that tiger. 

Conversation ensues. I can’t believe Rick just calls him King right off the bat. And that no one else is behind him snickering. Even Daryl is like, “Sure. King. Whatever.” 

This is ridiculous. I can’t believe they’re having this conversation like it’s the Renaissance festival. Just talk like normal people.

Ezekiel asks for Morgan’s opinion. Whatever. Morgan’s all, maybe we can just capture Negan. Nope. I’m waiting for Daryl to speak up but he doesn’t. I guess Daryl really is a man of few words. 

Then Rick tells Ezekiel a story about a rock in the road. And some bag of gold. And how the king left it there on purpose because… stuff. And thangs. I don’t know. This seems like b.s. When do we fight??

Rick is at least amused by King Ezekiel.

As are we all.

Seriously if we don’t see Carol in this episode though I’ll be kinda pissed that I skipped the horror show that is the Grammys. Katy Perry has BLONDE HAIR, you guys. 

She looks like Christina Applegate got in a fight with Fraggle Rock and emerged victorious.

She looks like Christina Applegate got in a fight with Fraggle Rock and emerged victorious.

And Jason Derulo is dressed up like Hip Hop Count Dracula.

LOS ANGELES, CA - FEBRUARY 12: Singer Jason Derulo attends The 59th GRAMMY Awards at STAPLES Center on February 12, 2017 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Jon Kopaloff/FilmMagic)

LOS ANGELES, CA – FEBRUARY 12: Singer Jason Derulo attends The 59th GRAMMY Awards at STAPLES Center on February 12, 2017 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Jon Kopaloff/FilmMagic)

I’m just trying not to make him angry lest he summon whatever that collar is to life.

Oh also here is this weird Humpty Dumpty ad from the Super Bowl.

ANYWAY.

Ezekiel’s boy wonder Benjamin is in the woods training and almost gets killed by Carol. She is deeply unimpressed by his earnestness and offer of water. He fails to tell her that The Ricking Crew is in town. He must not know how much we all ship Carol and Daryl. 

My glasses suck so I can’t quite tell but I think Ezekiel is tucking someone into bed with the I Have A Dream speech. 

Benjamin comes in and tells him he saw Carol. Ezekiel tries to be casual in asking how she is but you can tell he ships it. He ships himself and Carol hard. And just know that I’m all in for a Ezekiel-Carol-Daryl Hunger Games style love triangle.

Anyway Benjamin is like, we have to help them, and King Zeke is like, “Thanks for your wise council, young one.” Or something.

All this King shit is annoying and weird though.

Morning and it’s archery practice for the children. This IS the Renaissance festival. Daryl looks pained watching their terrible technique.

Ezekiel’s like, we’re not fighting with you. Rick’s like, “Please?” Ezekiel’s like, “Nah.” Rick’s like, “Come on, dude.” Zeke’s all, “Nah.”

 

Something something blah blah blah stuff and thangs.

Something something blah blah blah stuff and thangs.

Ezekiel offers Daryl sanctuary inside The Kingdom since the Negan squad are after him, but refuses to let his people join in their fight. They start walking away. Richard the guard wants to fight. And Rick wants Daryl to stay. Daryl’s like “I ain’t” and Rick is all, “Stay behind and stare him into submission. Whatever it takes.” And Daryl knows he is defeated and has to stay. And then the gates slam closed as The Ricking Crew leaves.

At least Daryl will see Carol soon. Hopefully by the end of this episode!

Ads. Call of Duty. Wendy’s. Some gross energy drink. Brad Paisley wrecking Nationwide. Barf.

God. Next week we’re starting this shit late so I don’t have to watch ads.

This movie with Scarlett Johansson looks so boring. Ghost in the Shell. Snore.

Back to the show. Out on the highway.

Hahahahahahaha Negan is memorializing Fat Joey over the PA system.

Cars block the highway. Rick decides they’ll move them, then move them back, so the Saviors don’t know they were there. I don’t think that’s gonna work but okay, whatever.

 

Jesus thinks it's a terrible idea too, you can just tell.

Jesus thinks it’s a terrible idea too, you can just tell.


And then they discover a whole explosive tripwire system. Rick and Michonne want the explosives for their coming battles. If only they had Eugene to help! Rosita is like, allow me. Now they’re all messing about with dynamite. This seems like it will end badly.

So the whole tripwire/explosives system? It’s a trap for a giant herd of walkers, who start coming around the curve in the highway as they’re removing the explosives. The Ricking Crew are piling dynamite and other explosives into their vehicle. But only the ones that seem like they’re in good condition. Um… okay. And the walkers are getting closer and closer. 

This is all very exciting but I fail to see the point. They send Jesus and Sasha to run back to Hilltop and tell Maggie they haven’t given up. Which… whatever. 

Then Rick and Michonne drive two cars with a wife stretched between them and now down hundreds of walkers, then make a run for it back to the group’s car. EPIC CLOTHESLINE!

Hopefully by tomorrow there will be a gif and I can insert it here.

They drive away and one of the piles of dynamite goes off, blowing up a bunch of walkers.

Aaaaand ads.

Oh, Passage. How I have not missed you. Does anyone care about this? They are choking in dust from the bomb going off underground. And given that they’ve been stuck down there for two months with no one missing them, I shouldn’t wonder. 

Back to Alexandria. The gates open and a bunch of Negan’s trucks drive in. They’re there to find Daryl. And kill him. And trash everyone’s houses.

It’s super boring when the guy who really wants to be Negan tries to talk like Negan. Luckily they leave, so I don’t have to throat punch anyone.

The two Alexandria guys fill The Ricking Crew in on Gabriel’s disappearance. Rick doesn’t want to believe Gabriel would just steal stuff and run. Rosita’s like, of course he would. I am with Rosita, really. 

But then it seems Gabriel laid some sort of trail. The Ricking Crew are like, “LET’S GO!” 

The gay dudes are bickering in their perfectly clean house. The one is like, “I’M GOING WITH! RICK NEEDS ME!” And the other one is like, “STAY HERE. Don’t be stupid.” I’m with him. Also, why is it that the gay couple’s house is the only spotless one after the Negan dudes are done trashing everything??

The Ricking Crew have gone to look for Gabriel. They find footprints. Now, you know and I know that the footprints do not belong to Gabriel. Because we’ve been seeing that person in the black boots spying on The Ricking Crew the last few episodes! But the crew doesn’t know this.

And so of course they wind up surrounded by what looks to be the Children of the Corn, all grown up. CREEPY.

REPENT.

REPENT.

And Rick smirks and that’s the end.

Seriously, all of these people look super inbred. And I’m here to tell you, if the only people who survive the zombie apocalypse for longer than three years are super inbred backwoods weirdos, count me out. Just let Daryl put me out of my misery early on. With his crossbow.

Someone find this man a new crossbow, stat.

Someone find this man a new crossbow, stat.

See all y’all next week!

This show makes me talk like I’m from Georgia. But only inside my head.

Shannis Reacts: The Walking Dead, S7 Ep 8, “Hearts Still Beating”

Before I get started with this week’s recap, I must right a grievous oversight from last week. When Negan asked Carl to sing and Carl sang “You Are My Sunshine”, Evil Rob made a crack that he should have sung “Carl Poppa”, and I was all, “What on earth are you babbling about now, WEIRD HUSBAND?” And he tried to explain and I was just blanking completely at the reference. But then later he posted the video for me on Facebook (a Bad Lip Reading video) and it all came back to me. And that video really should have gone into last week’s recap and would have made it 9,000 times funnier. But I failed all of us.

But here it is. Let’s all enjoy it. Everyone loves Bad Lip Reading.

You know, Carl Poppa is actually a pretty sweet jam. I’m getting all jiggy with it. And y’all should be glad I’m confining that to my house, where no one else has to see it.

Good times.

And now! The mid-season finale!

But first… there will be spoilers.

Yes, spoilers. ALWAYS spoilers.

Yes, spoilers. ALWAYS spoilers.

Come on, lady. We’ve talked about this. I know you’re dead and all. But it’s not that hard to understand. We do spoilers on PURPOSE in these recaps!

Okay. Midseason finale. Let’s do this. And then we can all move on with our lives.

90 minutes. Again.

One of the production companies on this show is called Idiot Box Productions. This makes me sad because I always thought my dad made that up when I was a kid. Like he was the only dad ever who called the television the “Idiot Box”. 

My dad would be so much cooler if he worked here.

My dad would be so much cooler if he worked here.

We open on Maggie, crying next to Glenn’s grave. She is wearing a hat and overalls. Probably a disguise. She seems to be on watch duty. The old Hilltop man comes over to say dickish things to her but then this other dude makes the old dude give her an apple because she’s pregnant, and Maggie bites into it with a smug smile on her face. 

Negan is shaving. In Rick’s bathroom. While Carl and Judith watch.

Daryl is leaving his cell.

Negan is making spaghetti sauce. In Rick’s kitchen. While Carl and Judith watch.

Tara and Olivia are on the porch. Tara gives Olivia a container of lemonade mix. Olivia is all taking one for the team and refuses to leave Judith, and goes inside.

Negan is at the head of the table making Carl set the table and wait on him. This is actually super fun!

Evil Rob points out the Morse code chart on the wall. This apparently means that Daryl has been communicating to Rick in Morse code all season by BLINKING.

Translation: Rick, I miss you. Please help.

Translation: Rick, I miss you. Please help.

Or so the internet claims.  You know what though? Sometimes the internet has been known to be wrong. 

Rick and Aaron are what? Going into the swamp of zombies? In a canoe. This’ll end well. Evil Rob reminds me that they are going after a stash of weapons and ammo hidden on the houseboat on the other side of the lake. Details, man. I can’t keep all this stuff straight AND know the character names too. 

Back to the table at Rick’s house.

That spaghetti though.

So akward. That spaghetti though.

Negan’s tired of waiting for Rick to come home. “Pass the rolls.” No response. “PLEASE.” Carl passes the rolls. He’s probably afraid of dying if he doesn’t. 

I want rolls. Specifically, I want those homemade crescent rolls my mom makes at Christmas, and sometimes at Easter. 

Mmmm crescent rolls. True story: I once made these for Christmas when my mom had a broken shoulder. I am so lazy though that I cant believe this really happened.

Mmmm crescent rolls. True story: I once made these for Christmas when my mom had a broken shoulder. I am so lazy though that I can’t believe this really happened.


Ads. What is Into the Badlands? Is it a show? Is it a good show? Should we be watching it? 

Oh, and a fun Nike ad mocking people for watching shows about zombies. It’s cool. I prefer Ahnu shoes for running from zombies anyway.

Spencer and Eugene are having some sort of thing with the Negan peeps at the front gate. Blandfaced white girl makes threats. It’s all very dull.

CAROL! Reading a book on the couch by the fireplace. Morgan is lurking in the front yard. She lets him come in. Some dude knocks on the door with some milk bottles. He has something very important to talk to them about. Carol is like, I JUST WANT TO READ MY DAMN BOOK!

picard book meme
Back to the WORST canoe trip ever. Guess what? It’s going very poorly. Aaron gets pulled into the water by zombies. Who could have predicted such a thing?

He’s okay though. Apparently.

True story: taking notes to write these recaps makes this shit go faster.

Back to Daryl, dashing through the halls. He hears voices close by and ducks into someone’s room. Eats some peanut butter straight from the jar with his fingers. Takes some clothes. I mean, that seems legit smart of him, but I’d recommend a haircut or a comb or something at this point too. Just to complete the disguise. 

Rick and Aaron have located the arms and ammo they crossed the swamp to find.

Back to Daryl. Now he has a spoon and is gazing at some weird chess set. He knocks it over. There are no photos I can find of this chess set, but it seems to anger him and it seems to be representative of whatever long game Negan and/or his people might be playing, or just generally keeping track of the other communities, or something.

Contemplating these things this hard hurts my heart and my brain. Let’s all look at Daryl for a moment.

Daryl smolders
Back to the swamp. Rick and Aaron are loading their truck and having a deep philosophical conversation about life and living. The camera cuts back and we see they are being watched by a mysterious figure wearing BLACK BOOTS. Who can it be? Because, like, everyone on this show wears black boots. 

Ads. This new Ben Affleck rum runner movie looks all right. Evil Rob and I talk about all the new movies we haven’t seen yet. This somehow leads to a discussion of Marion Cotillard. Because of Assassins Creed. We like her.

 

"I do not know what is this bu

“I do not know what is this bummer you speak of.” 

Between Cotillard and Fassbender, Assassin’s Creed might turn out to be an all right movie.

By the way, I’m super high strung right now because my laptop is broken and I have to watch tv without it. I hate this.

Now back to Michonne in the truck with the lady with the bad dye job. Michonne wants to chitchat but the lady is like, nah.

Michonne monologues about not killing today, finding a way to win, etc. I’m not sure if I should be paying super close attention but it’s kind of boring so I tune out a bit.  

Back to Maggie and Rosita at Hilltop. And Enid. Snore. Agent Peggy Carter’s hat is hanging on the wall of their apartment. What??

Rosita charges Enid with keeping Maggie safe. This is… I don’t know. Everyone wants to go out and kill Negan, is basically the gist. 

Back in Carol’s house, the milk bringer is talking about threats to the Kingdom by the Saviors. He wants Carol and Morgan to use their wiles to convince Ezekiel to battle the Saviors.

Strike first. Destroy them.

Terrible idea.

Absolutely terrible.

More ads. Super tired of the iPhone ad with the old dude in the white swim trunks.

Ooh Norman Reedus will be on tonight’s Talking Dead.

That’s like a lifetime from now though.

It only just occurred to me that I could do this in Google Docs instead of Evernote.

AAAAAANYWAY.

Rosita is in the church talking to the priest about killing Negan. I hate his character so much I can never remember his name.

The conversation is so boring I’m just sitting here gazing at my Christmas tree. It’s super pretty.

My mom decorated this for me. I am highly unqualified for a tree to look this nice.

My mom decorated this for me. I am highly unqualified for a tree to look this nice if I decorate it myself.

They are still talking. The priest is like, please don’t go on a suicide mission. Rosita is like, crying.

Daryl still making his way through the halls. He picks up a piece of steel bar. I assume it’s a piece of steel bar. Alternatively, it might be a long light fixture, like for your apartment kitchen’s overhead light. But I’m pretty sure it’s a steel bar. 

Back at Carol’s house, she is refusing to fight. She just wants to be left alone. The Kingdom guy is trying to manipulate Morgan. He storms out. Carol tells Morgan to not let anyone else know where she is.

Seriousl y Episode 8 - Photo Credit: Gene Page/AMC

Seriously just leave me alone with this terrible artwork and my BOOK.    Photo Credit: Gene Page/AMC

I assume they will both find out about Glenn and Abraham any time now and change their minds. Probably in February when the season resumes and Rick… well. I’m getting ahead of my spoilers. Hang on.

Ads. I like the Xfinity ads where the grandparents see their granddaughters status on Facebook or whatever about how lame their house is so they get cable and wifi and then the whole family has a super happy Christmas watching tv and playing video games together. My husband Evil Rob is all, “Grandma and Grandpa will be eating cat food for the rest of their days to pay their Comcast bill, not to mention what Paul Ryan has in store for their Social Security checks, but enjoy your WiFi, Paige!” 

Fair point.

Horrifying looking movie called Split comes out on Inauguration Day. Never has a thing felt so appropriate.

Back to the show. Spencer is in his house acting all batshit, talking to himself in the mirror.

The Kingdom guy who wants to start a war is in the forest. And then he goes into a camper and cries? I don’t get this.

Spencer and Rosita have words. He wants to know why she ended their fling. She refuses to tell him how creepy he is, and makes dinner plans with him. “No strings attached.” Ew. 

Finally Daryl is outside. Fat Joseph appears and sees Daryl and looks scared and tells him how to get out. Daryl smashes him with the steel bar as Jesus comes running over from… wherever he was hiding.

Didn’t I call the death of Fat Joseph last week?

Another installment of Passage. The women are in the tunnel. One runs and sets off a trigger and an explosion happens. You know, I could really use a full minute of this instead these 30-second tidbits.

Ooh, AMC network puts up a graphic violence warning before the next scene begins! This can’t be good for someone. 

Back to Michonne and Bad Dye Lady. They come over the crest of a hill and there is a whole lot of stuff happening down in a valley and the lady says that is the Negan place. And that Michonne can’t do what she wants to do. But still has options, like killing Bad Dye Lady using the silencer in the glove compartment and sinking the truck in the lake or something.

I assume Michonne chooses at least one option that does involve her killing someone today.

Rick and Aaron show up in their truck and Negan’s people at the gate find all the stuff they found. Please tell me they had the sense to hide some of it somewhere. Then they beat up Aaron, just for fun.

Meanwhile Spencer and Negan are drinking whiskey and playing pool while everyone else watches. Spencer wants Negan to make him in charge of Alexandria.

Rick picks Aaron up to help him walk home.

Negan isn’t impressed with Spencer’s proposal. And says Spencer has no guts. And then stabs him in the gut. And it turns out Spencer did have guts.

Then Negan is all, someone better clean this up. No one comes forward. Then he holds up Lucille and asks who wants to finish the game of pool, which he was winning.

Check out this nice close shave, guys!

Check out this nice close shave, guys!

Rosita pulls out a gun and shoots.

Ads! Rogue One!

Rick still dragging Aaron. They hear the gunshot.

Rosita’s bullet hit Lucille. Negan is all, tell me who made this bullet. Rosita insists it was her. Negan tells the one woman (Farat?? Wtf is her name??) to kill someone. She shoots Olivia.

Arat, Evil Rob tells me. That is Negan’s henchwoman’s name.

Rick and Aaron finally run up. Negan is all, I killed Spencer as a public service. Blah blah blah.

Finally Eugene cops to making the bullet.  So Negan takes him with them. I doubt this means certain death for Eugene. Instead he will be forced to make bullets for Negan. And stuff.

Rick is left standing alone by the pool table and Dead Spencer. Spencer is already turning into a zombie and Rick probably takes some pleasure in stabbing the shit out of his face.

Ads. War for the Planet of the Apes! These movies are so good. This one looks tense and scary. Evil Rob and I vote for the apes.

Here is what I don’t get about this show, and shows in general: I feel like people communicate more than this. Like, not perfectly, but we all manage to figure out when every last one of us is on the same page. So all these people want to take Negan out but are all acting independently because they don’t communicate. And it’s dumb. So dumb.

Also, Better Call Saul is coming back soon! Yay!

Back to the show. Rick is kneeling in a basement. Michonne shows up. She tells him how outnumbered they are, but that it doesn’t change how she feels. They are still alive. They survived so much. Their hearts are still beating. So what do they do with that? How do they make it mean something?

Basically she is giving him a pep talk. They have to fight. For Judith and Carl and everyone else. But he has to get his head out of his ass. (She says that with her eyes, mostly.) It is times like this that this show is so good. When people get to say things about making things mean things. 

Rick’s all, “I know.”

And then they make out.

Back to Maggie at Glenn’s grave again. She climbs up the watch tower.

 - Photo Credit: Gene Page/AMC

Photo Credit: Gene Page/AMC

She sees something that makes her smile. And yells for Sasha and Enid to come. And they open the gates. 

It’s Rick and Michonne and Carl and Tara and Rosita.

And then Daryl and Jesus come around a corner and I cry.

I ain’t lying.

Rick and Daryl hug it out hard.

There wasnt a photo of the epic hug

There wasn’t a photo of the epic hug anywhere but I did find some random beautiful fan art on a listicle (uncredited, of course, so if anyone knows who it belongs to, tell us). This is actually not a terrible representation of how the hug went even though this predates tonight’s episode by years. Thanks, fandom!  

And Daryl gives Rick the gun he took off Fat Joseph. The sheriff is back in town, you guys. 

Everyone smiles but Jesus. He just looks upset and worried. Whatever, Jesus. Stop being so serious all the damn time.

Night shot of Alexandria ends the show. Father Gabriel is on the watch bridge and the spy in the boots is watching.

Dun dun dunnnn!

This was a good episode. Finally.

That’s a wrap till February. The second half of the season HAS to be better, what with Rick and Co having all kinds of fight in them once again. And we see scenes of Rick appealing to Ezekiel to team up. Wonder how that’ll go. 

twitter negan 

I will miss the adorable Ann Mahoney though. So unfair. 

Sexy Librarian Ann would let Carol sit and read undisturbed.

Sexy Librarian Ann would let Carol sit and read undisturbed.

Shannis Reacts: The Walking Dead, S7 Episode 7, “Sing Me A Song”

Herewith: This week’s recap of The Walking Dead!

Oh but wait.

This walker still has some nonsense she wants to say.

Yes, spoilers. ALWAYS spoilers.

Yes, spoilers. ALWAYS spoilers.

Whatever, whiner. People come here FOR spoilers.

On with it!

Oh great. Another 90 minute episode. What have we all done to deserve this?

(Somewhere is a parallel universe where people still adore this show and feel like extendo-episodes are a treat.)

We open on Michonne, walking down the highway. I think it’s raining, so that’s a first — maybe someday it will actually be winter on this show, too. She is whistling and annoying me. A couple of walkers follow her and eventually she dispatches them with a sword. Drags one into the forest. Leaves her bag behind with the walkie talkie that connects her with Rick.

Cut to Rick and Aaron waking up in the back of a truck. They look outside and see… something.

And then we have some rando Saviors, also in a truck. It’s the truck Jesus and Carl are hiding in. Jesus is, like, pouring syrup into the road? To leave a trail? And then he tells Carl it’s time to jump out. And Carl goes “Show me,” and Jesus jumps out without him and Carl keeps going. Sweet trick, Carl. Even Jesus knows it was clever!

"Foiled again by that damn kid!"

“Foiled again by that damn kid!”

Once at Negan’s compound, Carl ambushes the guys unloading the truck with a gun and kills two of them. And then Negan comes up and says Carl scares the shit out of him. And then says he will show him around. And then the opening music goes and cuts to a shot of the yard, and Daryl doing something with the yard zombies, and up to a view of the building they’re staying in. It looks to be some sort of old power plant, maybe. It has smokestacks. I don’t know. I’m trying to pretend I care. It’s hard.

Ads. I don’t understand the Amazon Echo.

Negan takes Carl inside after bitching about not getting to have sex with any of his wives that day and also telling Carl to not be afraid of him because he finds it a disappointment. All the people are assembled and Negan gives them a little speech. Dude literally never stops talking.

Rosita and Eugene are doing something and Spencer shows up. Spencer is annoying.

Negan takes Carl to a room where a bunch of women are sitting around looking bored or traumatized. It’s a thin line in the apocalypse. Negan tells Carl to make himself comfortable and goes to talk to his wife about some nonsense that no one really cares about because we don’t even know who the hell these people are. Ooky music plays and we are supposed to feel creeped out. Then Negan talks to some girl named Amber who cheated on him with some dude named Mark. So many names of people we don’t care about, so little time.

Oh wait. No. We have 90 minutes of this shit! Plenty of time.

Carl is eavesdropping. Creepily.

Negan makes out with the other wife. Daryl and Wannabe Daryl show up. You know — the ginger fellow who used to be married to that wife. DWIGHT. I can never remember his name. Because I don’t care about him. Daryl asks how Negan got Carl there. Negan tells him it’s none of his business. The men leave and the wife lady drinks.

I mean, I feel her. Drinking could only improve upon this.

Oh.

Wait.

I digress.

Back in Grimville, Rick and Aaron are still looking for stuff. They climb over a fence and head up a road with a handwritten sign telling people not to go there. They are rebels.

Rick's all like...

Rick’s all like…

And then Spencer and the annoying preacher guy are in car talking about whether or not Rick is hateable or inspirational. Like most things in the apocalypse, it’s a thin line. Spencer talks about how his mom served in Congress and lifted people up and did good in the world. My husband makes an obscene gesture. The preacher thinks Spencer is a “tremendous shit”. This is literally the first time the preacher has ever been interesting. He gets out of the car to walk home. It’s just like Cher in Clueless when Elton tries to molest her!

It's an ALAIA!

It’s an ALAIA!

Then Spencer runs into the woods. I just don’t even care enough to warn him not to.

Back to Negan. He takes Carl to his bedroom. Gross. “I want to get to know you a little better, Carl.”

He tells Carl to take the dressing off his eye so he can see it. As punishment for killing two of his men. So Carl does it. It’s horrifying.

Negan can totally see your socket, dude.

Negan can totally see your socket, dude.

And then Negan wants to touch it because Negan has issues. But Carl is crying and Negan sort of apologizes, although it’s a gross creepy nonapology about how he forgot Carl is just a kid.

Then Fat Joseph shows up with Lucille, which Negan left by the truck. And Negan tells Carl he shouldn’t cover up his bad eye. And he gives Fat Joseph the business and talks about Lucille like she’s a real woman.

Fat Joseph is sort of adorable, by the way. I feel like he’ll be dead by the time the midseason finale ends next week.

I am Fat Joseph and I am not long for this world.

I am Fat Joseph and I am not long for this world.

After Fat Joseph leaves, Negan tells Carl to sing him a song. Insists, really, even after Carl says he doesn’t know any songs.

Carl sings a super terrible rendition of You Are My Sunshine while Negan swings Lucille around.

Then he asks Carl to tell him what happened to his mom. And goes, “Damn, no wonder you’re a little serial killer in the making.”

Hahahahahah.

Just like in the funny pages, you guys!

Just like in the funny pages, you guys!

I mean, it takes one to know one, I guess.

This is bizarrely boring.

Finally Negan says the iron should be ready and they go downstairs. And he has Carl hold Lucille and Carl doesn’t even flinch And some Captain America looking dude is sweating and tied to a chair. I bet this is Mark!

Trust me, I'll look a lot more interesting once Negan's through with me.

Trust me, I’ll look a lot more interesting once Negan’s through with me.

 

Carl really should just walk around with that eye showing. It makes him more interesting.

Negan makes Dwight assist with the iron. And then he holds it to Mark’s face till Mark passes out. Everyone has to watch so they know it can happen to them too. Carl’s like, I’ve seen worse.

Mark, by the way, has pissed himself, and Negan makes Daryl mop it up. Because Daryl’s the janitor now.

Chicks still dig me. My eyes are haunted. Chicks dig that.

Chicks still dig me. My eyes are haunted. Chicks are into that.

Ads. Jennifer Garner for Capital One is super irritating. Possibly even more irritating than this show. Hmmm.

Back to Spencer toying with zombies in the woods. Basically he was trying to get their weapons. And a note in one’s pocket. I can’t read it but I bet someone on the internet knows what it said.

See? Complete with circled words!

See? Complete with circled words!

God, the internet is so predictable.

Back to Rosita and Eugene and the quest for a bullet. Eugene is talking nonsense. Rosita calls him a coward and weak. She is not charming him into this. “For once, do something useful. And make me a bullet.” Eugene gets to work.

See. Some men respond to bitchiness.

Ugh back to Dwight and his ex-wife and their cigarettes. Please stop trying to make us care about these people. Good god. Dwight is getting all judgy. Even that is super boring.

Back in Negan’s room, Negan is doing some accounting and Carl asks if he can wrap his face up again. Negan says no. Carl asks why he hasn’t killed any of them yet. Negan says Daryl will make him a good soldier. And Rick is already getting him great stuff. And he likes Carl. So. Okay then.

Negan and Carl are leaving in a truck. Daryl tries to threaten him if he does anything to Carl. Negan has Dwight put Daryl back in his cage.

Jesus is on top of the truck one second but not when they drive away. Hmmm…

This must all sound weird out of context.

Ads. And this week’s installment of Passage! Creepy dude has a tunnel? Lets the one woman in but not the one called Sierra. So Sierra stabs him. Seems legit.

Back to Daryl in his cell.

Oh haiiiiiiiii, Sad Eyes.

Oh haiiiiiiiii, Sad Eyes.

Someone is coming! Daryl looks apprehensive. Someone slips a note beneath the door. With a key. And it says “GO NOW!” What??

Oh. Evil Rob says it is Jesus. Because Jesus was on the truck and then not on the truck.

But will Daryl do it??? Or will he assume it is a TRICK?

Anyway. Back outside somewhere in the Hundred Acre Wood, Michonne corners some red-headed lady and tells her to take her to Negan. Evil Rob criticizes the lady’s terrible hair dye. My plan is working. Which plan is that, you ask? The one where I pay a lot of money to get my hair dyed properly and now my husband can spot the difference!

Anyway. Carl and Negan arrive at Carl’s house. Negan points out that Olivia is fat. Olivia cries.

Solid acting choice as usual, Olivia.

Solid acting choice as usual, Olivia.

 

This show is stupid.

Then he offers to screw her. She says no. Or slaps him. Whichever. He says he is 50% more into her now.

This show is so stupid.

He sends Olivia away to make lemonade. Carl shows him their house.

And Judith is in her crib in her room, and she is like twelve now.

Awww.

Awww.

 

Ads. I keep forgetting this is recorded. CURSES!

An ad for the season finale marathon shows us a bunch of people we miss, like Beth. Sad face.

Awww.

Awww.

Back to Rick and Aaron. They’ve found the compound of some loner dude who may or may not be dead. Zombies in a pond protecting some stuff. This can’t end well.

Eugene and Rosita are still bickering.

If Rosita = Ralph and Eugene = Alice, anyway.

If Rosita = Ralph and Eugene = Alice, anyway.

Spencer creeps up in his creepermobile. He has soup. Something something list and Latin and Spencer’s mom and zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

WHAT.

I’m awake.

Front porch at Carl’s house. Negan is snuggling with Judith. Seriously Judith is like 10 now. He kisses her on the forehead and tells Carl maybe he’ll just kill him and Rick and move into the suburbs.

I don't know. It feels a little forced.

I don’t know. It feels a little forced.

I’m not nearly as creeped out by Negan and Judith as I should be.

I mean, it’s obviously no ovary-exploder. Not like this…

But it’s not as creepy as it should feel. And for that, I blame Rick’s terrible parenting skills.

And that’s the end of the episode.

Next week is the midseason finale. Presumably it will be more interesting than this was. We can dream!

This week’s installment of People Who Are Hotter In Real Life Than Their Walking Dead Characters: Ann Mahoney.

Rawwrrrrr.

She is like an irritable librarian. 

Why are you so adorable, Ann?

Why are you so adorable, Ann?

And here is a treat for some of you who are super religious. Or just into Jesus. Whichever.

Pandering. Totally pandering.

Pandering. Totally pandering.

Shannis Reacts: The Walking Dead, S7 Ep 6, “Swear”

Yes, spoilers. ALWAYS spoilers.

Yes, spoilers. ALWAYS spoilers.

Oh look! It’s that naggy “no spoilers” zombie again!

We’ve talked about this. It’s a recap. There are spoilers.

There are ALWAYS spoilers.

Let’s begin.

Oh but wait. Check out this cute photo from AMC of the best moment from last week’s episode:

Skate City, it ain't.

Skate City, it ain’t, but it’ll have to do. 

Okay. Moving along.

My eyes are fragile tonight. This episode better happen in daylight.

The beach! Finally a beach!

This seems calm and relaxing. What could possibly go wrong here?

This seems calm and relaxing. What could possibly go wrong here?

Personally, I would have aimed for a damn beach YEARS AGO. I mean, why bother surviving the zombie apocalypse for THIS long if you’re not going to just do whatever the hell you feel like doing? Go to the beach! Read lots of books! Come on!

Ok. So. Tara has washed up on the beach. This can’t be good. And a young woman and a tweenage girl find her and bicker over whether or not to spear her through the head even though the woman knows she’s still alive.

Oh cool, another psychotic little girl who wants to murder people. This show is so fun.

I forgot my stopwatch. But we got three minutes of episode and four minutes of ads, according to the DVR. That’s some b.s.

Flashback to Heath and Tara in their RV, talking about the crap they’ve found on their two week trip. Eight cans of okra and some aspirin. Negan doesn’t want your cans of okra. I’m just guessing.

Nope. Nobody likes canned okra.

Nope. Nobody likes canned okra.

And now they’re having one of those existential conversations about what they’re really doing all of this for, and Heath is like, “You’re in this for yourself. We all are.”

Heath is so judgy. Damn.

He probably has a point though.

Back to Tara and these new people. So do we have another cultish compound near Ocean City? Is that the deal?

Of course, Ocean City already IS a cultish compound. Have you ever been there? Total nightmare. It’s like those crappy traveling carnivals that used to pop up in the mall parking lot once a year, but the size of a whole city and with a boardwalk and a million ugly people.

(JIM WATSON/AFP/Getty Images) It's this, but triple the amount of people.

(JIM WATSON/AFP/Getty Images)
It’s this, but triple the amount of people.

The only good thing in Ocean City is the place with the really great fries.

OH, and when you drive home at the end of a weekend, the traffic is like those videos you see of people evacuating from Florida when a hurricane is on the way, only slower moving. And god forbid you have to pee. You’ll wind up in line at the one fast food restaurant between Ocean City and Annapolis with 100 other women who also have all had to pee for the last two hours, so it takes everyone ten minutes to pee once they’re finally inside the single bathroom.

Don’t ever let your boyfriend take you to Ocean City on a holiday weekend. That’s all I’m saying.

I’m thinking this is actually further south, though. Down in Virginia. The beach is too wild.

Anyway.

Tara follows the young woman into the woods. Why in the name of all that is holy in this world and the next do these people continue to enter the woods? Stay outta the damn woods, assholes!

Sure. Hide behind a camouflage tarp. No one will ever know.

Sure. Hide behind a camouflage tarp. No one will ever know you’re there.

Oh look! Women carrying around laundry baskets!

Maybe this is a women-only cult. That’d be an exciting change.

It’s fascinating to me, by the way, that we can only imagine cultishness when we imagine the aftermath of apocalypse. Cultishness and eventual authoritarianism. That’s pretty much it. No utopias. And no peace. What does this say about us?

It IS all women. And honestly I feel like Tara is right to look at wigged out by that as she does. These don’t look like friendly women. And they have legit tactics. Like clickers, to alert one another, like the Americans did after landing on Pacific islands during World War II.

Aaaand they are shooting at her. See. Nothing good ever happens in the woods.

Of course there is some vaguely batty older woman who seems to be in charge.

Why is it always a white lady?

Why is it always a white lady?

Natania. That’s… not a real name.

She lets Tara live. FOR NOW.

Ads. That was 12 minutes of action, 3 minutes of ads. Now they are just messing with us. Because 12 minutes is kind of long!

 

This episode is going back and forth between “right now” and whatever happened to lead up to Tara washing up on the beach. So right now, the question is what happens to Heath. And we see him and Tara walking across a bridge, where they’ve found the remains of some kind of settlement. And a giant pile of dry concrete that spilled out of the back of a dump truck. Tara’s all, “Oh heyyyyyy, let’s see what’s under it!”

SPOILER ALERT: IT’S WALKERS. It’s always, ALWAYS walkers.

OMG. When will these people learn they are in a zombie show?? Don’t go tugging stuff out of a giant pile of dry concrete!

Back to the lady cult. Tara is chained to a heating unit in the waiting area of the ladies’ cult office. And now the ladies have come out to speak to her. Tara tells them lies about a fishing boat. What?? Why not just tell a version of the truth? Weirdo.

See how sincere I am being by my eyes??

See how sincere I am being by my eyes??

Ah. She got knocked off the bridge after waking the walkers buried under the cement.

These women are like, we don’t mess around. We normally kill on sight.

More women should be like this. Just in general. Probably. Just kill on sight. Give fewer people the benefit of the doubt.

This is just a working thesis. Don’t quote me on it if I ever run for office.

I mean, I can’t run for office because I’m not a citizen. But if I could, you know.

Anyway.

The mean-faced lady leads Tara through the dark woods and we assume she’s leading her to some crappy hole in the ground. But really it’s the matriarch’s house. And it’s dinner time. They have yellow Fiesta Ware.

If I can keep my Fiesta Ware, maybe I’ll stick around after the zombies come.

Ads again at :32. Four minutes of them. Hmmmm.

 

The matriarch is offering to let Tara stay. And her friend too. Tara says her friend is a man, and asks where all the men are. All the men and boys were killed in a skirmish with another group, which we eventually find out was the Saviors. This is why they usually kill on sight: they can’t trust anyone.

Now Tara tells them the truth about where she is from. And how she wants to go back because she has a girlfriend there she wants to get home to, and other people she cares about. And she tries to convince them to work with her group.

DON’T DO IT, LADIES. Her group sucks!

Natania the matriarch says she can leave. But they’re going to send someone back with her.

And NOW we’ve reached the ridiculous amount of ads. That was five minutes of show, five minutes of ads.

The matriarch sends the mean faced lady and another one out with Tara. I feel like this will go poorly.

Yep. Sure enough, they try to kill Tara the first chance they get. No surprises there. They really can’t trust her. I can’t blame them. I like her well enough too, but if I’m trying to keep my little colony a secret, I wouldn’t let anyone leave it alive either.

And now: Cindy to Tara’s rescue. (Cindy is the young woman who found Tara on the beach in the first place.)

I am scruffy but beautiful. Let me help you.

I am scruffy but beautiful. Let me help you.

They get away from the two escorts who were trying to kill Tara. Then they stop to figure out their next moves. Tara tries to convince Cindy to just leave with her, fearing that Cindy will get into a lot of trouble if she goes back to the lady cult without having killed Tara. And then Cindy is preaching some weird version of the same truth that Heath was saying earlier. That none of them HAVE TO do the things they’ve done. They do them because they’ve decided that’s the person they want to be. And she has me until she says that no one is really evil. And then Tara and I both call bullshit. Because there ARE evil people. So many evil people.

This is why we (the collective “we”) like this show though. This enduring question about what we become when life turns to garbage. And until we get an answer to that question that we can all live with, we’re going to keep watching this show, or others like it.

Bunch of zombies on a bridge. Come on, Tara. You can outrun them. Cindy will have your back with her gun.

So far, so good. Except I keep waiting for Cindy to turn on Tara and shoot her in the back.

See. I don’t trust anyone on this show. I’m SMART.

Cindy is out of ammo.

But Tara makes it past the worst of the zombies just as she runs out, and comes to the other side of the bridge. First though, she sees a zombie that might be Heath because of the braided hair… but the zombie turns around and it’s a lady zombie, with boobs and a dress.

And can someone please tell me who’s been taking care of this lady zombie’s braids this whole time??? Is there a zombie salon right on up the road where you can go and get your braids touched up? Come on now.

And now a flashback shows what happened to Heath… maybe. But it also appears he drove away. And there is a mysterious key card on the ground by the fresh tire tracks. It’s either a breadcrumb from Heath, or a breadcrumb from the Saviors, who may or may not have Heath.

Maybe someone just had to pee on their way home from the beach. Ever think of that?

Maybe someone just had to pee on their way home from the beach. Ever think of that?

This show is so confusing.

Tara glances back. The two crabby ladies have caught up with Cindy and are leading her away. She’ll be fine though.

Now Tara is walking home alone.

She finds this old boat. Then she ends up hiding in a souvenir shop. And eating beef jerky. And taking a pair of sunglasses.

And she makes it back to Alexandria and Eugene greets her, sobbing. Because Denise is dead.

The episode ends with Rosita begging Tara to tell her she found a place with guns and ammo. Long pause. And Tara says no. Both because she wants to be that better person she believe she is, and, I’m guessing, because she wants to keep the place to herself in case she needs it one day.

I liked this episode. I like Tara. Even though I consider her a “newbie” character, I appreciate getting to know her this way rather than with a backstory too early on. Because as I always say, I don’t care about your backstory if I don’t care about you.

Also she is super pretty in real life.

Hi. I'm Alanna Masterson. I'm super pretty in real life.

Hi. I’m Alanna Masterson. I’m super pretty in real life.

Also tonight, Alanna Masterson (Tara) is on the Talking Dead. She did all her own stunts for this episode! We like a sister who does all her own stunts.

As long as they aren’t too dangerous.

So long until next week, lovelies!

Shannis Reacts: The Walking Dead, S7 Ep 5, Go Getters

Settle in, y’all. I watch this show so you don’t have to.

Yes, spoilers. ALWAYS spoilers.

Yes, spoilers. ALWAYS spoilers.

No, YOU wait. There WILL be spoilers. Because it’s a recap. Spoilers is what I do!

Damn walkers. Always telling me how to live my life.

Anyway.

Here we go.

Maggie! Someone we actually give two shits about.

She is at Hilltop, and the doctor is here, telling her she will be fine and the baby is fine. But she should stay till the baby is born, just in case.

Sasha is waiting outside. She had Abe and Glenn buried there. There is a nice moment where Maggie says she is trying to decide if she’ll stay at Hilltop, and Sasha says, “We’re staying.”

Jesus walks up with some flowers for the graves. He looks like a bad combination of Jared Leto and Michael McDonald circa 1970. It’s real weird.

Do this... in remembrance of... whatever.

Do this… in remembrance of… whatever.

Old Hilltop Dude shows up and starts bitching at everyone. He wants Maggie and Sasha to leave because they bring trouble with them. Jesus argues. Sasha argues. I don’t even know the end result of the argument but no one seems to be leaving except the old dude stomping off so… I guess we’re good? For now?

Back to Alexandria. Rick and some people are going out scavenging. That seems like a crap idea but no one asked me, so there we go. Carl is displeased.

Carl asks Michonne why she’s not going. Michonne is super cryptic, because she is Michonne.

Carl goes to find Enid. She is climbing over the wall. “I have to see Maggie,” she says. Carl is not impressed and says he’s not saving her anymore. She thinks she is more badass than him and keeps going.

Back at Hilltop, Jesus is helping Sasha settle into a place. Every time someone talks to Jesus it sounds like they are swearing. I realize this is just me projecting. Jesus says he will work on Old Hilltop Dude and see if he will let them stay. Sasha’s like, “Whatever.” Maggie comes back and Jesus leaves.

Basically there are just a lot of people coming and going in this episode.

Enid is riding a bike. And then there are walkers. And then it gets run over by a runaway car. But then it’s Carl driving and Enid manages to look surprised. No one watching at home is surprised, because Carl is literally never where he says he’s going to be (staying behind with Judith, not saving Enid anymore).

Even Ned Stark knows, ffs.

Even Ned Stark knows, ffs. (I know. I know it isn’t Ned Stark. Thank you. Thank you so much.)

Back to Hilltop in the middle of the night. There is loud classical music and fires. Walkers are streaming through the gates. Sasha and Maggie get up to go help fight with Jesus. There is a lot of hand to hand combat and then Maggie runs a bunch of them down with a big tractor.

I’m confused. I don’t understand the Hilltop situation. They don’t seem to have a good handle on anything. I mean, when the outsiders have to step in and save your asses in the middle of the night.

But whatever. Now it is morning and Carl and Enid are walking down the middle of a road.

And now we’re back to Jesus.

Jesus irritates me.

I feel like I’m going to go to hell for saying that.

But he irritates me. I don’t like his face. Like, look at his eyes. They are super creepy:

Blue steel? More like creepy steel, amirite?

Blue steel? More like creepy steel, amirite?

Sasha tries to get Gregory (aka Old Hilltop Dude) to let Maggie stay because they helped the night before. Gregory says no dice. And then a gang of Negan’s thugs drives in through the gates. Gregory shoves Maggie and Sasha into a closet. Yeah. That’s a GREAT hiding place.

More Carl and Enid walking. They find some roller skates in a bag in the middle of the road. And then there is some nice music and Carl and Enid are holding hands, skating down the road.

The Negan guys barge into Gregory’s house and the guy leading their group says, “We need to talk.”

Nothing good ever happens on this show when people talk.

Luckily we started watching late tonight so we can skip through the ads! Evil Rob pauses on the little spinoff episode though. It’s not long enough to care about.

Back in Gregory’s study, the Negan apostle is looking at this painting of a dude on horse. And trying to make subtle threats to Gregory, all Negan-style. He might not be so bad, but Gregory is so super boring that I’m literally about to fall asleep.

Gregory is about to dime on Maggie and Sasha.

Jesus looks pissed.

I bet they are no longer in that closet.

Nope. It’s a box of Scotch.

And now the Negan Surrogate makes Gregory kneel in front of him.

Carl and Enid come out of the forest and see Negan’s men loading up the trucks. And then she realizes that Carl didn’t come out there for her. No – his plan is to go with Negan’s men and find a way to kill Negan.

Now we’re back to Gregory and Jesus and bickering and Jesus insisting that Maggie and Sasha are staying and then Jesus punches Gregory and Maggie tells him he better start referring to her by her name. I’m so confused about this whole Gregory situation.

Oh! But now Jesus is now explaining that Gregory was already in charge when he got there and he wasn’t really sure why but now he realizes it was something that just happened. That makes sense to me.

Sasha asks Jesus if he can figure out where Negan lives. He’s all, “Sure. No problem.”

Uh. Okay. I’m sure this’ll turn out well.

Then Maggie finds Enid sitting outside. Sasha comes in. Enid manages to casually say she got there all on her own, and not betray Carl’s plans. They are about to eat soup and sandwiches. Enid put the balloons from last week on Glenn’s grave. The three of them hold hands while Maggie says grace. It’s another one of those really lovely moments that this show does so well sometimes.

We see the Negan trucks pulling out. Jesus is in the back of one, opening a bottle of the scotch. And then Carl peeks out from behind some other boxes. And Jesus looks kind of annoyed.

So once again, Carl is not in the house. And?

WHO IS WATCHING JUDITH?????

tmw you realize your entire family sucks.

#tmw you realize your entire family sucks.

Poor Judith. She didn’t sign up for this life.

And that’s a wrap.

On tonight’s Talking Dead, the Jesus actor is sporting a man bun and Chris Hardwick is reading dirty tweets about Jesus. Also Kevin Smith.

Overall, this episode was an improvement over last week. But almost anything would be.

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